Wednesday, October 9, 2013


img289

img291

In 2003 I was 22 and worked at a sex store with a bunch of other dysfunctionals like me and a boss who was misogynist and sexist and aggressive and violent. He was a real "nice guy". He was also really into paintballing and sometimes took us on paintball trips. One time I walked upstairs to the storage area and found a blow up doll hung from the ceiling by its neck, he put a wig on her and was shooting at her whenever he had a bad day. 

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

YUULA 1992
My first therapist was named Zehava and she was the best one I ever had. I was thirteen, full of hormones and going through emotional hell and I literally lured her in during one of the routine assessments at school by alluding to a "problem". I knew if I mentioned the "problem" she would request to see me, and I really wanted that to happen but was too shy to ask. During our meetings I talked about everything but the problem. The problem didn't matter anymore because I had Zehava. I talked about my interest in conspiracy theories, that I wanted to be an artist, music I liked, how much I wanted to get out of this shit hole of a school. But mainly I talked to her about my boyfriend and our tumultuous relationship that included a love triangle starring my best friend. I think in retrospect, I just really needed someone to talk to and reflect. An adult who can listen to me and give advice. I was living in a backwards country where at age fourteen I had no resources or support with stuff like sex or pregnancy or suicidal thoughts. At my school you wouldn't even discuss it with your friends, and I had lots of friends but felt very alone. When I was fourteen and a half, a condom broke and I was so terrified of pregnancy I made a suicide pact with myself if I ended up pregnant. I wasn't. At the same time, out of desperation, I wrote a letter to the local teen magazine that had a sex advice column on the back page. It was summer and I couldn't see Zehava and I asked the columnist whether it was possible to have an abortion without parental consent. Three months later the magazine finally printed my anonymous letter but it didn't matter anymore. I moved to a different school and all those messy secrets came pouring out into the ears of my new best friends who were more into high school drama than judging. We all benefited from each other. 

A couple of years ago a therapist told me that our physical irrational fears really symbolize other aspects of our lives that we don't want to deal with. At the time I thought she was a flake. Her theory was so obvious I suspected that she didn't want to take the time to really dissect my clearly very complex issues. She spoke to me in a soft voice sort of like you would speak to a baby and I didn't take her seriously. I called her "the hippie" to my friends. I told her: I've been having this dream, I'm standing in an open space with nowhere to hide in the middle of a storm and there's hail and lightning and I'm frozen and she said: replace the lightning with bombs and it all makes sense, and I thought what a cliche. Until last week when I actually got to stand in an open field in the middle of a lightning storm. I still remember the way my face contorted because it was shaking and I was crying and had no control over it. John said it looked like "deep fear" and I believe it. The hippie  knew I wasn't into her theories, she said: think about your situation as a child, the odds of getting hit by a bomb were higher than ever getting hit by lightning. The lightning was just an abstraction.

I hope you have someone to talk to when something goes wrong because it's important.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I spent a few hours re-reading Under the Sign of Saturn (Sontag) because I was looking for this one passage:

Fascist aesthetics include but go far beyond the rather special celebration of the primitive.....More generally, they flow from (and justify) a preoccupation with situations of control, submissive behaviour, extravagant effort, and the endurance of pain; they endorse two seemingly opposite states, egomania and servitude. The relations of domination and enslavement take the form of a characteristic pageantry: the massing of groups of people; the turning of people into things; the multiplication or replication of things; and the groupings of people/things around an all-powerful, hypnotic leader-figure or force. The fascist dramaturgy centers on the orgiastic transactions between mighty forces and their puppets, uniformly garbed and shown in ever swelling number. Its choreography alternates between ceaseless motion and a congealed static, ‘virile’ posing. Fascist art glorifies surrender, it exalts mindlessness, it glamorizes death.

I've been thinking about monumental art or monuments in general - gestures, fashion, architecture, cold tones, red and black, goth, slick black lines, uniforms, religious symbols, shamanism, heroism, displays of power, large masses of uniformed people standing against large stone monuments, Game of Thrones, Dune, etc... fascism was so aestheticized and this aesthetic still exists and is prevalent, I guess now in a different context, I guess when you aestheticize people and politics, when you express power visually, then you are in trouble. Still, it makes me cringe.

In the 1990s our town didn't have real cable but there was a man who would come to your house and physically adjust your antenna to receive the signal he transmitted from his own house. He was mostly very busy (drunk) and we received all kinds of garbage, cartoons, action movies, porn, sometimes in the wrong time of day. On the weekends before 5pm he would broadcast The Wall by Pink Floyd a few times in a row and we would watch it endlessly because there was nothing else to watch. I was too young to understand what it was about, but watching hammers marching on screen and hearing Israeli planes bomb Lebanon at the same time made so much sense together and even though I didn't understand the meaning of the film I understood that those two things were the same.

Here's a lil song for you. I'm back in Toronto at my home, by my desk, find me here.








Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Screen Shot 2013-08-07 at 10.30.47 PM
Barb Lindenberg and I made a video together with a group of dancers for her piece ANIMALS, it will be screened at the dance: made in canada / fait au canada Toronto-based biennial festival of contemporary dance, August 14-17, 2013. Click the title for more information. 
-----------------------------------------

I thought about this the other day: you know when you have an intense relationship with a person, physical or even emotional, and then a year passes and you ignore each other on the street, maybe a slight nod, no phone calls, no emails and that's it. I don't mean a one night stand but a friend or an ex lover. As if things ended so awkwardly that now neither one of you wants to acknowledge it by engaging in conversation. Actually probably you just lost interest in each other. I know everyone does it, I do too, but isn't it weird? I thought about this because the other night I had a sexy dream about an old lover and in my dream I was so happy, mostly because I knew it was a dream and I could do whatever I wanted with no reprecussions, but in the morning I woke up and felt kind of grossed out and embarrassed. What's up with that.

It's the end of summer and I hardly picked any wild flowers or had gone to the movies or any parks, someone take me to the ravine please I want to pick some flowers before they die!

Monday, July 15, 2013

PERSONAL DIARY, 24 YEARS OLD
typed on Isla Craig's typewriter





typed in this room at this time

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Someone needs to come up with Sex-Vines for those of us who have little time but want to watch porn. 

I've been thinking about sex all day yesterday because of that xoJane post that was circulating "I'm a Sex Negative Feminist" by Jillian Horowitz and the Savage Love column from this week (he was in a bad mood, seemingly).

I was sort of with the we-can't-fuck-our-way-to-freedom rant until Jillian ended with "pleeeeease, no whining about your hurt feelings". Way to show me how to use my bwain! Go read it. It's short and I don't want to paraphrase. I'm aware of how power im/balances play out in my sexual relationships, how I perform or objectify myself and other women but rarely men, how fucked up it is and how I can't pretend it doesn't exist. I understand the urge to act happy, vital, "RECEPTIVE", because the opposite of that in our society is a sad, dried up prune. I've seen the way some men react to post menopausal women and it disgusts me to think that there are people who only find a person attractive as long as they are able to reproduce. But I'm also aware of all those things and am in constant dialogue with myself and those I'm fucking. People aren't stupid. And it's very hard for me to imagine what the "right" kind of sex looks and feels like, the kind that isn't tainted by politics, class or sexism on any level. I don't think that exists. I want to know what kind of sex Jillian Horowitz is having. Inequality in a sexual relationship can be a humiliating experience and I've been on both ends of it in my life but it doesn't mean that ALL sex is problematic. I hate other people's rules imposed on my body or life and I resent being told what the right way to fuck is or that I should question myself more than I already do. Here, I'm whining about my hurt feelings.

In other news, look at this BEAUTIFUL day, hi day, I'm going to Paul Petro later tonight, this is happening,  and then Sarah Bordi's show, maybe see you there? Also, I've been looking at this:














SARAH LUCAS











HELLEN JO
http://helllllen.org/

Thursday, July 4, 2013

anon


 
NEW PROJECT: 
"LOVE/ HATE MAIL" 
SUBMIT TO yuula.benivolski@gmail.com 
-----------------------------------------------------------------

ANONYMOUS
 'GUY I KNEW'

You:
Fuck you
Fuck off
Delete my correspondence or I will seek a court injunction.
me:
okay
You:
I hate you. You are a bad person for this.
Fuck you.
me:
"GUY I KNOW"
You:
Fuck you
I hate you now.
Your last email is a real doozy.
me:
it already felt like you did, a lot of the time.
You:
I knew it all along
enjoy fucking your "SOMEONE ELSE"
me:
there is nothing to know.
You:
I'm glad uou did not sully my doorstep. Let alone my bed.
or my.body.
me:
i am sorry
You:
you are not
me:
yes
You:
stop the lies
the bullshit
the garbage
fuck you
me:
im not a bad person\this has been a bad situation
You:
you're a fucking waste of air
me:
i know.
You:
can't believe I've wasted my last fucking energy on a lying selfish backstabbing bitch
you are a bad person
enjoy spreading for "SOMEONE ELSE"
me:
this is a bad situation
You:
three months?
Bullshit
lies after lies after lies
me:
you have been very unkind to me
You:
I hope you're fucking happy
me:
and it wore me down and i just could not get happier
You:
fuck off
lying cunt
me:
okay
You:
you were happy enough this morning
me:
ive been miserable all day
You:
fickle bitch
me:
for months i have been unhappy and i thought you would make me happy
You:
then go fuck SOMEONE
or take some drugs
or get drunk
me:
and i have been waiting for you to make me happy.
You:
or listen to shit music
me:
and i realised it was not happening, neither of us seemed to make the other happy
You:
whatever
don't deign to speak for me
me:
i don't have to, the way you have been treating me speaks enough
You:
Whatever
go ply your trade wherever men are stupid enough to fall for your act.
I've treated you? Fine.
As you've treated me.
me:
yes. even you have admitted
i am terrified
You:
I was stupid enough to think for a moment I could have depended on you.
Maybe a bit of support
turned your back
me:
i can do that still
You:
so you can fuck whoever
starting with "SOMEONE ELSE"
I'm mot wasting anything more on yoh
you
me:
i am so sorry i dont want to lose you
You:
Thanks for springing it on me like this
lose?
Fuck you
I'm gone.
me:
"GUY I KNOW"
You:
you are fucking dead to me.
me:
dont say that
You:
YOU ARE DEAD TO ME
me:
i just
cant
give you all of me.
oh god
You:
Who'd want it?
"SOMEONE ELSE".didn't last time apparently
maybe you've fooled him enough this time
me:
"SOMEONE ELSE" is not the issue
You:
well
me:
i am not in love with him either
You:
you're hooking up with him
Strange
you said you did love me yesterday
me:
i am shut down to love and i cant
being in love....
You:
must've been another lie
me:
I do love you.
You:
more crap
me:
very much.
You:
bullshit
lies
fuck you
me:
i just dont think i can be in a relationship with you
You:
take your crap
And use it on "SOMEONE ELSE"
here's a hint
Try someone younger than me
they can't quite spot the bullshit you spout so quickly
me:
you would hate me more if i had told you this after spending time with you
You:
you've known this position for a while I take it
me:
yes, and we have spoken about it before
You:  
time for talk is over
me:
but i kept thinking, no, try, you will feel it
You:
 you will not enter my thoughts after this moment
me:
or, spend time and maybe he will realise
You:
you are dead to me
me:
that its not right
You:
 you are gone
you never existed
existed
me: "GUY I KNOW" please
dont
do that
please
You:
leave me alone now
I will never contact you again
me:
"GUY I KNOW"
please
You:
except to send you. things I owe you
me:
i think we should still meet and talk about all of this, in person.
You:
remove all traces of me on.your machine
in.person?
No fucking way
me:
i think it would be a good idea
You:
I don't give a shit what you think anymore
me:
it would clear some of this poison
You:
I fucking used to
me:
and make us real people to each other
i care what you think
You:
What part of no don't you understand?
me:
and feel, but i also have to be realistic
can i convince you, please.
You:
I do not want to see you
Or touch you
me:
i think it would be good
You:
share the same fucking air as you
me:
for both of us. so we dont end in this way.
You:
You have ended it this way.
don't pretend concern for me
me:
i am scared. terrified.
You:
you bullshitted me for months
me:
of course i am fucking concerned, i love you and care for you, and always wanted to be your friend
You:
ease your kind by sucking off "SOMEONE ELSE" when you see him tgen
me:
and you wanted more
You:
you.are not my.friend
me:
and it was either everything or nothing and i wanted to be
close with you and there was no other way
You:
I don't treat animals like this
you've plenty of friends
go fuck them hipster style
go do your drugs with them
me:
i respect your work and your mind
You:
 leave me alone
you respect nothing of me
more lies
me:
im not leaving you for hipsters or drugs or anything like that
not lies
You:
 no
you never left that at all
me:
that is me "GUY I KNOW", should i have changed everything for you?
you spoke to me so badly
it has left me really damaged
and i am terrified that its not going to get better
if we enter into a relationship
and that hurt, that hesitation, it gnawed at me, but i tried because there were positives...
You:
 Sorry I was such an effort for you
me:
when today
you insinuated again that i was a slut
i just...
it hit me, that you are always going to hurt me and i am not in love with you enough to take it.
and then
You:
 Fine
me:
i realised you
You:
 fuck off
go to hell
me:
want this perfection that i think would never happen
and it was going to go to hell
im really really torn because you wasted so much time on m
me and i have never felt this low
or confused or terrified
i am so sorry. i think we should meet and talk this through and try to
not feel so much hate and pain tied up with each other
You:
I SAID NO.
time wasted.
me:
im so sorrry i dont know what to do
You:
don't have much of that.
me:
oh god
im so sorry
im so sorry
You:
you sucked up the fucking last of it. While I didn't pressure you to come back, I fucking didn't say a word until it is starting to show physically now.
and had to prepare you. for it
so Damn you
me:
oh god "GUY I KNOW"
You:
you.fucking played me along
still planning your hook ups
why do you think I was so pissed at NYE
I was in fucking hospital hemorrhaging
me:
you never told me
i never knew any of this
You:
but waiting for you
so go to buggery
you've weaved your damaged wand over me too
and fucked me around badly
me:
i never ever wanted to hurt you and it was inevitable because i knew we would not work but still inside i wanted to try maybe,
You:
I'm not wasting anymore time on you
me:
and i care very deeply for you and i am so fucking upset you are so sick and i want to be there for you as your friend
You:
You are out
and you knew this all along
me:
i spoke to you so many times
my hesitation
about us fighting
about you hurting me
and it never got better
You:
 fine.
I don't need to.talk.anymore
me:
but my attraction, my desire to be close to you and have you in my life
You:
its done
me:
"GUY I KNOW"
You:
don't talk to me again
me:
please consider seeing me
think on it
You:
 no
me:
just think on it
You:
I will not see you.
NO
conversation will now cease
me:
i am so sorry
You:
I will not bother you again
me:
 you dont
You:
and stop pretending you're sorry
me:
 i am fucking sorry
You:
 it was planned
me:
this is a fucking nightmare
and is ripping me to shreds
You:
so stop it
bullshit
me:
it is
i am very sad, crying, regretful, sad, so sad
depressed, angry at myself
You:
I figured you might have been considering putting up with me for a few months in case you got something in the will
me:
jesus christ
i would never ever do that
fucking hell
You:
 no more from me now
Goodbye
me:
"GUY I KNOW"
i will still be here
for you if
You:
I wont
me:
im not
i am more than all of this
and i can be your friend
You:
I always thought you were more, though you never demonstrated it
me:
see
You:
you are not my friend
me:
you did not think so much of me
yes, i can be your friend
just
think on it
You:
NO
me:
i understand thats how you feel right now
You:
enjoy your trip
enjoy YOUR TOWN
enjoy.fucking "SOMEONE ELSE"
me:
i am so sorry about all of this mess.
You:
do not contact me again
me:
i hope one day you can forgive me
You:
and ffs stop lying to me
me:
i MA NOT LYING
You:
I doubt it
me:
I FUCKING LOVE AND CARE FOR YOU I JUST DONT THINK WE COULD HAVE A RELATIONSHIP THAT IS GOING TO FULFIL BOTH OF US OR MAKE US HAPPY
You:
I do not believe a word you say anymore
me:
 gaaaahh
You:
you.chose to give up
So fuck you
me:
its not
giving up
its saving us from fucking more heartbreak and i love you and i am sorry
i know you hate me
You:
I do hate you
me:
never want to see me or talk to me again and that hurts the most
because i want to see you
i know you do
You:
and I'm not interested on your meaningless platitudes of crap
I certainly do.not
not now
not ever
me:
i hope you change your mind
You:
I'm stupid to have opened up to you
me:
 no,
You:
I will not change my mind
you are finished
me:
i think we can be open
You:
you're open alright
me:
I hope you do change your mind
You:
set up your fuckfest in YOUR TOWN yet?
me:
what are you talking about?
You:
Just the fact that you managed to organise a hook up with Mr "HIS TOWN"
So
me:
he is going to be there
You:
theres your better offer
me:
 i didn't organise anything
You:
get fucked
as you will
I hate you
me:
"GUY I KNOW"
please
You:
I am not your friend
and never will be
me:
are you very serious about that?
You:
yes
you are fucking dead to me
me:
okay
i am dead to you
You:
enjoy sleazing around your hipster circles
me:
i am not a sleaze
and never was
You:
You're certainly expert at it
me:
i certainly am not
You:
goodbye
Thanks for nothing
me:
"GUY I KNOW"
i am so sorry
it doesn't
You:
good fucking riddance
me:
have to be like this
so final
You:
you.chose it
fuck you
me:
 i am being honest about my feelings and fears
i am not a bad person.
we have spoken about them before but never confronted anything
just glossed over
always fighting
You:
Your behaviour is amongst the worst I.have ever encountered
me:
its not all been me
You:
You make MY EX-WIFE appear an amateur
I will reread your final email one more time before I delete ir
Done
me:
"GUY I KNOW"
You:
deleted
as are you
me:
"GUY I KNOW"
You:
goodbye
me:
please dont
please dont
take some time
but dont erase me.
i think we can still
You:
Gone
were you like this with YOUR EX?
me:
being each other's lives
MY EX?
You:
 No
me:
what do you mean
You:
just asking
me:
 he left me..
You:
 yes
after cheating and smacking you about
me:
 yes
You:
so I asked
never asked about your private things before
but
of you carried on like this...
I'm not sure how long I could take it for either
me:
thats low
he beat me, i was...
could not leave him even then
and i
took a long time to get over that
im sorry
im um
You:
You reckon you're over it?
me:
no
i thought i was
until a very horrible cop did something
that reminded me of MY EX
and i broke down
and relived it all to my friends while having the worst panic attack
and that was last year
You:
2012
me:
and the fact he hit me and i stayed is the worst secret i kept
2011
sorry forget the new year
You:
Were you fucking the cop?
me:
no, jesus christ
he was kneeing me in the back and twisting my arm because i would not leave a place
You:
Whatever
me:
you asked
You:
don't believe you anyway
me:
why are you bringing this up?
well you dont need to, other people were there
i know it is true.
You:
go have your meaningless sex cos its all you can handle
I don't want to talk to you again
me:
okay, i wish that was different.
You:
bullshit
you drove it here
me:
 i know i did but i didn't ever want to loose you i just dont know how else
to
do anything
I am sorry
You:
sleep soundly knowing that one person in the world wishes he had never met you
me:
you mean a lot to me.
iam so sorry
i wish this was
better or different
You:
Right
Cut the crap
me:
what do you want from me?
what can i do
maybe in time
You:
Not a fucking thing anymore
me:
can i call you?
You:
No
me:
okay
You:
You've stabbed me in the back
me:
no
You:
you can stop bullshitting me now
me:
what will you believe
if i say
You:
go to sleep
take a pill
me:
i cant sleep
You:
pill or have a drink
me:
its 3am, im just
empty and raw and unbelievably sad
 You:
Well
That's what you like
me:
I dont like it
You:
 love then
 You.use that word pretty freely
where would you be without your crutch of depression?
What could you blame?
me:
i dont know
You:
Ueah
Yeah
me:
im finding it hard to type
You:
ueah
 me:
i am very upset.
You:
It's really hard to rype
Type
upset?
Garbage
me:
i am
 You:
whatever
whatever i don't believe you
me:
 speak to me
You:
no
You:
 stop it
me:
i never wanted to do this i am so fucking sorry
You:
you don't believe it
me:
i am so angry at myself
i do
I DO BELIEVE IT
You:
whatever
I don't care
me:
what is going to happen
You:
you'll go to the wedding
Fuck whoever you can get your claws into
and ill get along just fine without you
your doing
congratulations.
me:
"GUY I KNOW"
You:
you are just an awesome person
I'm sure the hipsters you hang with really dig how cruel a bitch you are
me:
i don't like how i have treated you or you me
You:
Well whoopy fucking do
me:
at all one bit and i am sorry and i hope somehow this can pass and we can be friendly
or meet
You:
perhaps ive over estimated your intelligence
as you seem incapable of understanding the word 'no'
me:
okay
no
i get it
i wont ask again
You:
Good.
now fuck off and leave me alone you bastard.
me:
okay
goodbye
You:
When MY EX WIFE and MY LAST GIRLFRIEND pulled their respective stunts
They had at given it a go
You?
me:
"GUY I KNOW"
You:
Fucking lame arse quitter
scared little girl
me:
i know
I am
You:
You are appalling
you are undignified
me:
you are dying
and it terrifies me
You:
yes
Urdu am
yes I am
am well
me:
i dont know how i could cope with that
You:
You don't need to worry about it now
coward
you'd be in FAR AWAY LAND anyway
me:
i am so sorry
You:
Quit that
me:
 i dont know
how sick you are
being anymore involved and i dont think i could cope
You:
Fuck off then
go get some of "SOMEONE ELSE"s healthy cock into you
And when he cums inside you I hope you fucking remember this moment.
me:
"GUY I KNOW"
jesus
You:
am I an idiot? You've been doing the same convos with him as with me
me:
no, i haven't
You:
I do not believe you
me:
we do talk though.
You:
Anyway
me:
but not about love or relationships.
You:
So YOUR TOWN will be fun for you.both
actually you did
so go to hell
me:
you must have asked something
You:
hell you asked me to trust you
To wait
wait to be patient
patient to give it a try
me:
 i am scared out of my wits "GUY I KNOW"
and did everything badly
You:
to be fit in around your other appointments in HOME TOWN
me:
and i am sorry because i hurt you
am hurting you
You:
Before you.go.hook.up with "SOMEONE ELSE"
"SOMEONE ELSE" all planned.
I certainly note you've not denied your gonna fuck.him
Then if you like it
me:
i didn't realise i had to
you dont believe anything i say, but no, I am not going to deny that it might happen.
You:
You might think about something after SOMEWHERE ELSE
Planned
goodbye
you disgust me
me:
 this is a mess
 i don't disgust me
You:
don't think you're not a slut
me:
because this is a terrible situation
but i am not a terrible person
You:
 Cos you are
me:
 i am not
You:
you are horrible scum
scum the worst
of all the tricks you would turn
 You're off to fuck "SOMEONE ELSE"
me:
i am not scum.
You:
that deceit hurts the most
 me:
 you already
You:
And then.pretending you're scared
me:
 have
I AM SCARED
You:
 no
me:
I WANT TO SEE YOU BUT I CANT BE IN A RELATIONSHIP
You:
no youre gonna Fuck "SOMEONE ELSE"
"SOMEONE ELSE" yay
Yay
"SOMEONE ELSE"s cock in my mouth again
Yay
me:
 stop it
You:
Fuck you
I wouldn't waste another breath on you
don't want to see you
You make me sick
Liar
Dirty
Excuse ridden time waster
drug taker
Alcoholic
Alcoholic lying slut
fuck.off
me:
fine
 You:
 You wanted it
You.got it
had a good time planned for when you were here
As far as I'm concerned
You've fucking blown it
me:
i never asked you to speak to me like this
You:
On purpose
you're an.idiot
well.
me:
i know.
You:
I never asked to be lied to, treated badly, let down, then have you race off with someone while we were supposed to be seeing if we were going places.
me:
I know
You:
And you never mentioned it?
Why?
me:
mentioned what?
You:
That you going to.fuck."SOMEONE ELSE"
me:
i am not 'going to'
You:
 Whayever
You're open to it
me:
you have told me what you think of me.
its pretty damning
You:
that's how you've behaved
me:
 i was hopeing we could still have something because i am not what you say
i need to go to sleep now.
take care, i will miss you.
You:
 that's it.
have a good lifr
Life
Goodbye
me:
goodbye "GUY I KNOW"
You:
don't insult me with anothe bullshit I will miss you Crap
me:
its not bullshit and its not crap
i dont think we have anything healthy to say to each other right now
healthy
you are very angry with me
You:
Save it for "SOMEONE ELSE".
me:
and unbelievabley hurt
You:
 you've no idea
me:
and i am a wreck and feel like i am making all the wrong decisions
and we need to step back, and i am sorry, and i will always be here for you.
You:
decisions made.
never speaking to you again.
me:
if you chnage your mind i am always here.
You: whatever
save for someone stupid enough to believe the crap you go on with
As I don't anymore
 you and your phobias will be very sad together
you have irrevocably lost me
me:
 i hope not.
You:
means I was someone who.only thought the best of you and hoped you were happy
me:
 : (
this is
You:
but you changed that perception with your deceit, games and inability to keep your word
me:
 i am so sorry "GUY I KNOW". iwish you had
given me more kindness i so desperately wanted from you.
You:
Yep.
all my fault
me:
and that i had given you more kindness and that we had worked
i did not say that
just that even yyou know it was always
a battle
You:
Done
As of now
me:
im sorry
You:
Dead to me