Monday, August 31, 2009

Goodbye Magic Log (apparently it floated west, where it's too deep to climb it safely)


Lately the only two albums I want to listen to are The Kick Inside by Kate Bush and Love is Overtaking Me by Arthur Russell. Both are pretty melancholy despite some seemingly cheerful moments. Perhaps it's a good indication of the mood I've been experiencing lately. OR maybe it's the insane PMS that doesn't seem to go away! Who knows.

Lately I've been seriously thinking about having a baby for the first time in my life. I keep getting excited about it, the idea of having a little person who you can teach all about life and music and books and swimming and birds but also about scary things like mysteries and ghosts and violence and stuff that will teach the little person to be cautious but also curious and clever. But then I realize how idealistic and unrealistic those thoughts are.

Lately, despite moments of debauchery and adventure on the island, all I can think about is how I want to read all day and do pilates and go for jogs and eat fruit and salad and work like a good dedicated person until the time comes for me to reward myself with a quiet drink and smoke on the beach. No joke. Some days this is the case but those days are rare. Most of the time I feel like my insides are in such turmoil over LIFE issues, like Work, Money, Friends, Relationships, Future, Family, and the only way to quiet them down is by throwing myself down a pier into the Black Water after drinking a bottle of wine or staying up until 5am shooting pictures on a dangerous log. It sounds really extreme but don't get me wrong, most days I manage to get a decent amount of work done, just not the amount that is ideal in my mind - there is always more to be desired. Besides, for me the emotional aspect of throwing myself into work for days is kind of similar to jumping off the pier.

Lately I've been trying to figure out ways to repair my relationships with people, with friends. It seems like the older I get the harder it becomes to negotiate my position. Obviously it's easy to recognize patterns in a relationship over years but what if this pattern cannot change? It scares me because I feel like the older I get the more I realize what kind of person I am and that maybe I can't change, not even for someone I love very dearly.

Tomorrow I am going to spend a few hours figuring out a real plan for the next month, a work plan that will allow me to also be a person and not shut down completely. I wish I had some help, like, I think I need a coach, for real. If you have any advice for a healthy, balanced work plan and what it should contain I'd like to hear it.

I'm not really that depressed anymore, just waiting for PMS to pass! Don't worry.


laura said...

oh yuula, this made me feel something. maybe you should have dinner and invite your friends and talk openly about this stuff. it can be surprising to realize how often others are feelings and going through similar stuff to you and it's always nice to know how other people deal with it. I totally feel you on some of this stuff, you're not alone
also, babies! my body screams for it. biology, what a thing.

Xenia said...
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Stephen Thomas said...

This was my favourite thing, I have a long night of packing tonight and this made my night and maybe my week. Please post it every day. On facebook, be like 'new blog post up guys', and then copy and paste the whole text into a new date.

Sara in America said...
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Sara in America said...

I really, really like that you wrote this. I mean, I hardly know you *for real* but I sure do wish that I got to spend more time hanging out with you. I completely understand what you are going through and have been there a lot in the past year. All I can say is that beginnings are awesome and should be treated with utmost importance. What I mean by that is, maybe treat the things you want to start doing for yourself the way you would treat an important relationship, or a new one. xo

benivulka said...

Hey guys, thank you for all the nice words. It's all really good advice. I think the worst thing I (or anyone else in this position) could do is escape further and ignore PROBLEMS. Sometimes I don't realize how important it is to reach out to friends or even like, tell someone how you feel. And then you have this huge weight on your shoulders and every little thing just adds to it until it becomes unbearable.

I think it's also how old we are, I think we're all pretty much the same age and I feel like it's something you go through in your late 20s-almost 30s. Like there's supposed to be some sort of purpose of goal set in stone but in reality I know that there is no universal goal. Life is only what I make of it and knowing that makes me excited but also anxious and scared.

OK I won't ramble anymore. Making a list cleared my head a bit!


benivulka said...

Also thanks for not making me feel like a loser for Whining on my not-so-personal blog.