Monday, December 7, 2009

Last night for the first time in my life I had a panic attack, it was bad.
I started feeling dizzy and went outside to get some air and then walked in and out of the house over and over again because I suddenly felt like I needed to write down the 900 thoughts I was thinking all at the same time and couldn't find a piece of paper or a pen.

Instead of going upstairs and getting my notebook I started looking for a piece of paper in the recycling bin. I couldn't find one so I looked through Sarah's garbage. Then I chain-smoked 3 cigarettes in 15 minutes. Then I went to have a shower and felt like my legs were made of jello and my face was burning and my hair was falling out. I skipped toweling off and sat on my bed and called Lisa, for something trivial, we ended up talking for an hour and in the end of it I felt OK again.

The whole thing started with me having awful thoughts about myself, that I am "not normal", that maybe I'm a sociopath, a liar, a self centered narcissist who cares only to satisfy her own interests. I don't know where it came from. It has never happened to me before and I felt like I was on 50 hits of acid, at some point while it was going on I felt like I could really lose it, at that moment, really go insane. Can stress cause something like that? Maybe I'm under too much pressure.

I promise that I'm not going to lose it or go insane, doing all my work will help, it's a good (and productive) distraction.

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