Sunday, December 6, 2009

I want to start being more honest. People think that I'm honest most of the time, like a while ago I overheard 2 people I know talking: "what do you think about X" and then "oh, I'll ask Yuula, she'll tell me the truth". It's true, I'll tell you honestly what I think of your new girlfriend or something you've done to another person but when it comes to OUR relationship or serious issues that bother me, I keep quiet. I tend to avoid confrontation and not reveal how I really feel about something between us until it is too late and it blows up in my face. Do you do this too? Why?

As a teenager I was extremely assertive and even aggressive about what I wanted or believed in. What changed? Six years ago I was in a relationship with a clinically depressed man. It made me learn how to subdue my confrontational side. Now I am mortified of hurting my friends. I feel guilty when I'm hurting someone, even if I am right and their hurting is unwarranted. It's not a good way to be. But how do you make the transformation without hurting anyone's feelings? It's such a tricky subject. Is honesty really that important or am I just fetishizing it? Would you rather people be honest with you, even if it hurts your feelings, or are you totally OK with white lies?


magda o said...

I want people to be honest with me even it hurts my feelings. However, many times people can jump quickly into judgment rather than a more subdued approach to discussing a situation or an issue they have. I also notice some love to analyse others, but not in a meaningful way but as a way to work through their own shit and criticize you in the process.

My friend and I talk a lot about this - about honesty without judgment but rather trying to work through the situation at hand. Does that make sense?

I think judging someone doesn't get either party anywhere. We all do it all the time though. For me it's also that I'm constantly figuring out what I don't want and how I don't want to be still. It's kinda lame sometimes I guess.

Also, to your point about honesty, it's so difficult sometimes to be honest when it's easier to just forget it and not have a situation arise. Sometimes it's not worth it. But you can do that without even going to 'white lies.'

But yeah, I definitely think if you have issues with a friend you should mention it, cos then the person is kind of being led on. It's not really fair for them, unless that is, you don't really care about the friendship. It's tough. sigh.

benivulka said...

I don't think it's even "issues with a friend" but more so my inability to openly criticize something because we are expected to always blindly support the ones we love. Which is fine, supporting is great, but how do my beliefs enter a relationship when I constantly feel the pressure to smooth out my words?

Tough love is good love too. Too bad I can't bring myself to practice it.

vrtrooper said...

I think it depends wither you are thinking about the immediate or the long term.

Sure.. holding back the truth may seem like the right thing to do at the time... to spare any offense... but in the long run, i find it does a lot more damage.

Luckily... i have a reputation of being an honest person... and at times very blunt about my feelings and opinions. So, most of my friends know what to expect: a certain about of harsh honesty..
but i'm never one to hold judgements or not admit my own faults...
which i think is key in being an honest person...
you also have to be brutally honest with yourself.

My mom once hated a boyfriend of mine when i was 17.
He ended up being an alcoholic asshole...
who i basically had to cut off and he ended up being kind of a stalker... but anyways!
I remember being angry with my mom when she told me she always had a bad feeling about the guy.
I got mad and questioned her.
Why she didn't tell me?
She said it was because if she told me she didn't like him,
i probably would have dated him longer out to rebellion.

i had to admit..
she was probably right.

magda o said...

well, i think there is a difference between giving someone an honest critique of their work and criticizing them.

I know that I want critique of all my work constantly (esp from people who are familiar with what i do) or else how the fuck am i ever going to get better and move forward?

magda o said...

and yes it might sting a bit, especially if i feel good about it or it took a lot out of me, but if i don't be vulnerable and accept i am constantly evolving and learning and don't accept mistakes, then what...

Xenia said...

This brings up so many questions about 'honesty' thought
when someone says 'ask Yuula about it' is it because they can't tell whats true or because they want someone else to hopefully say what they're already thinking?

Sara in America said...

I think there is a difference between constructive, caring honesty and then maybe a type of honesty that is cruel. In terms of relationships (of all kinds) I think sometimes it's much more useful to think about what purpose your honesty will serve. Is it for the other person or for you?

But I agree, Yuula, that the ability to criticize and make a statement that is yours and reflects your place in the relationship is really important. I don't know if this will sound harsh, but sometimes I think we are afraid to be honest if it is critical, in case we lose love, or hurt someone, or are seen as cruel.