Thursday, January 20, 2011

I love you because you leave me notes like this one at bedtime


SZ stands for Solar Zinc, my alter ego that is about to die this spring. It's a long story but you can come to the funeral. And that up there is a photograph of the beautiful beautiful Georgia O'Keeffe.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Today my friend Robert asked us if we remembered our first kiss and I totally do. I was thirteen or fourteen and it was in our friend's bed and it felt gross but kind of cool and new and the Doors were on MTV. "Break on Through". I'm serious.

My very first boyfriend was a year or two older than me, however, equally inexperienced. He was attending a highly religious all-boys boarding school where he prayed a few hours a day and studied the Torah. His parents started showing up at my house shortly after we met to interrogate me. They were mad because he had been skipping school for weeks to see me, hiding at a mutual friend's house. At night we would meet and I would make attempts to convince him to go back to school (but I never tried too hard because I enjoyed spending secret time together). I had just turned fifteen and my parents were not aware of the fact that boys existed in my life while his family was strict and traditional. So hanging out in one of our rooms was out of the question. That is why we spent most of our time together intimately and otherwise, outdoors. Sometimes while his mother was at work we would sneak into her house through the back yard porch. It was summer and there were rosemary bushes and bumblebees all over the back yard and it felt like an obstacle course. Her apartment was on the second floor and we had to climb over his neighbour's window to get in. If we wanted more privacy we would go on an all day trip to the nearby forest, packing snacks and a blanket. We'd walk up the mountain where the cedar trees were and camp at the very top. I did not drink then, or smoke, and having sex was not particularly enjoyable but extremely exciting. Probably because it was forbidden. We were really young and thought that sex was supposed to always involve an adventure. When we ran out of places to hide, we broke into my old elementary school building and did it in my fifth grade classroom. It was silly and contrived. I was really shy. I was shyer then but differently. I was not concerned with body fat or how I looked from a certain angle but rather, shy to be naked in front of another person for the first time because I had breasts and a vagina and he didn't. Shy, not insecure. It’s almost fifteen years later now and I think I'm finally getting used to having a body.

FYI: In the end he totally broke my heart like a jerk and then apologized for years but I told him to go to hell. I moved to another school and promptly developed a crush on a boy in my class and forgot all about him?! Thank god for teenage attention span.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

magical woman