Friday, February 4, 2011

Matt's mom Shirley texted me to ask if I got over my "winter blahs"! Haha, I think it's the best that even parents don't disqualify winter as a source of depression. I have SAD for sure. Except mine manifests itself in manic episodes. Where's the sun?! How do you deal with your SAD? Screw winter. This happened exactly at the same time last year. Except then I self medicated with whiskey and sleeping pills and lost 12 lbs in two weeks. People gain weight during the winter but I lose it.

How I've been nourishing myself lately. Just put everything in a blender and drink up! This one has strawberries, blueberries, blackberries, raspberries, spinach, rapini, kiwi, apple, banana, yogurt, flax seed, flax oil. Twice daily. Who needs to eat! The little guy on the left is just hanging by the window for some sunlight.

My higher self is blind. Just kidding! I've been drawing late at night, drawing with friends, while drinking tea. Hey why did I ever stop drinking wine? On the right is my daily card: two of pentacles. Means: fun, keeping everything in balance, juggling, changing directions easily. Good card.

Lisa and I decided that we can't be mad with tricksters because they often can't even tell the difference between tricks and reality themselves.

10am house meeting. Everyone's listening to Talia speak. Everyone except David who's obviously super happy about his enormous breakfast sandwich (hiding behind plant).

I'm reading The Blue Octavo Notebooks (link) now and it feels so right. "Reading". Hundreds of beautiful short fragments is all I can focus on right now.

I also got this book for like $9 and it's very entertaining. We read it last night. If you want me to scan some pages for you then ask! Just give me instructions, like, ARIES FEMALE+LEO MALE or LIBRA FEMALE+TAURUS FEMALE or whatever. It's pretty explicit.
Remember the ending of Last Tango in Paris? Having had an anonymous sexual affair in a rented apartment Marlon Brando and Maria Schneider finally decide to try and have a real relationship and it all goes to hell. She tells him that she isn't interested, he chases her home and she shoots him and lies to the police that he's just some stranger who tried to rape her. The part where they're sitting at the bar and you see the sinking feeling in her eyes because she's suddenly disillusioned about him while he nervously tells her everything about himself is so depressing. The futility of it. I remember watching it alone one day when I lived with Miles and feeling shocked and scared because feelings are so shifty and complex. Shiftiness terrifies me. I won't even mention the butter scene uuughhh.
Maria Schneider died yesterday.

Today I deleted all emails and texts, incoming and outgoing. I read my favourites just to remember a bit and then clicked DELETE. It feels very good.

I'm going to photograph and skate now see you latersss bye
Here are a couple of long songs for you all.


Sara in America said...

Maria Schneider didn't talk to Bertolucci for 15 years because of LAST TANGO IN PARIS. She called him a pimp and said the whole experience ruined her life. Crazy, huh?! Also, she died super young.

Can you please look up LEO MALE & SAGITTARIUS FEMALE?

benivulka said...

I know, it's disturbing on so many levels. I read the interview with her today... when it was filmed she was 20 years old! 30 years younger than Marlon Brando. Who BTW also didn't talk to Bertolucci for the longest time because he felt violated and fucked up.

I will scan those for sure! So many people sent me requests already, I love it. xoxo love.

benivulka said...

Actually, I read that the sodomy scene was not originally in the script, it was Brando's idea. So yah, I'm not sure how "violated" he felt.

Anonymous said...

I'd love to see Taurus Woman + Libra Male! Thanks :D