Thursday, February 10, 2011


My friend Helena wrote this years ago, when she was twenty two and about to marry a man she had only known for a very short time but was insanely in love with. Last year someone transcribed it and made it into a JPG and now it’s all over the internet credited to “Anonymous” or sometimes people even say that they wrote it themselves, which I think is awful and infuriating. Anyway, when she found it circulating the interwebbbs she said she was embarrassed because “...of everything I’ve made why did it have to be this melodramatic thing, made before I really knew anything at all? IT IS SO MELODRAMATIC.”

Okay, but really, I think she was only embarrassed because we feel like we're supposed to conform to this weird sterile idea of love, like adult love is this polite negotiation of respectful mutual feelings, a contract, a set of rules, etc... and if you mess it up with drama and pain and hopeless desire it becomes somehow less valuable or "perfect". But what she wrote up there, isn’t it what everyone secretly wishes? Don’t you want someone you love to let themselves be vulnerable and call you at four in the morning? Then why don’t you do it? You don’t even have to board an airplane. Sometimes running after someone down the street instead of shrugging your passive shoulders could make a difference in another person’s life and probably in yours too. I get the sense that the older we get the more scared and lazy we become as lovers. That is so depressing. Why is fighting for someone perceived as so inappropriate or desperate? Lazy love is boring love. I don’t care if this sounds juvenile. It’s really how I feel.

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BTW if you transcribe someone's writing like that try hitting the Spell Check button next time, it only takes a second.

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Yesterday Leah and I photographed icebergs, it was incredible. Pictures soon.

Here are a couple of songs for this beautiful sunny day!

Bye.


6 comments:

Xenia said...

I have thought about this for years, how many relationships I have been through waiting for some kind of a grand gesture from the person I was with and how they never seemed to get it. I've also thought about how many times this gesture came from people I did not want to be involved with and how I didn't percieve it as such at the time, but as a pathetic, manipulative and potentially threatning behavoir. I think the conclusion I reached is that grand gesture never happens at the right time, because people are driven to it by despair, and by the time you're desperate... well, there's a reason you are.

In hindsight I was doing crazy things because I felt there was a power imbalance and I needed the other person to be vunerable so that I would be reaffirmed in my codependent relationship fantasy. Its because something was wrong.
When I'm happy in a relationship I don't crave need these things, because they just happen and you don't even notice until years later you think, that was really brave and kind and so amazing.

benivulka said...

You don't crave those things because you have them in your relationship in some form, you said it.

But grand gestures aren't always desperate or pathetic, sometimes you just need your very intense feelings to be acknowledged and mirrored, like "I know you feel fucked up, but I feel fucked up too and it's okay." It's like a wink or a hug or a warm handshake in the form of an effort. For me it's not about co-dependency - it's about knowing that I am not crazy to have feelings for another person.

Anonymous said...

"Scorpio is signified by the Phoenix, a mythic creature that rises from the flames of total destruction. You may subconsciously destroy your own relationship just to see what remains after the demolition. You only trust what survives...so if you find some feelings in the rubble, you declare it true love.

Unfortunately, your partner may have tired of the power struggle by then, and moved on. If only people understood how to read between the lines of your complicated twist on love. Perhaps this is why so many Scorpios date each other."

Xenia said...

I don't mean that they're always pathetic I just mean thats the recipient of such gesture, it often felt conroloing/manipulative to me because I didn't feel the need for it.
On the other hand as someone who has also craved/went through with grand gestures I have almost always felt the other person percieving it as controlling etc...
what I mean is that feeling always comes from a power imbalance, and its tricky because you can't fake it and you can't make someone do it, it has to come from a need and the need is usually some sort of feeling of rejection, emotional or otherwise...

Xenia said...

I don't mean that they're always pathetic I just mean thats the recipient of such gesture, it often felt conroloing/manipulative to me because I didn't feel the need for it.
On the other hand as someone who has also craved/went through with grand gestures I have almost always felt the other person percieving it as controlling etc...
what I mean is that feeling always comes from a power imbalance, and its tricky because you can't fake it and you can't make someone do it, it has to come from a need and the need is usually some sort of feeling of rejection, emotional or otherwise...

Xenia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.