Thursday, June 23, 2011

I apologize in advance.

I will always lean toward the extreme in every situation. Because I get bored easily. Because I want to try anything I can in life and I think I deserve the freedom to do so. I will always disrespect "authority", power, money, especially if you amalgamate all three in one package, like the dude in a sharp black suit pushing through me at Union station with his "buddies", on their way to a lunch meeting. I don't expect to be respected by them either but it's totally okay, because they're scum. I'd like to say that it's not political at all, because this is how I remember feeling my entire life, but it probably is. I hate the police and I hate the government, I hate rich people and banks and universities but I love my professors and I love learning new things. But it's not a big deal, at least half of the world hates all those things. I think: "This is all so trivial" but how depressing is it to make that statement when the sentiments I express are so resentful, why should it be a triviality in anyone's life?

My brother wears a suit to work and he is a sweetheart and I love him to death. He works at a highly secured place where he has to get his retina scanned in order to get into certain parts of the building. I thought it was a joke but it's serious. But, he also cares about our family and friends, about my parents' puppy, about the time we spend together. He drives me to the metro when I don't want to take the bus and makes sure he plays music I'd enjoy listening to in the car and sometimes he cooks for us when I'm home. He falls asleep on the couch at midnight and there are cartoons on TV (my favourite). Ten years ago we used to watch marathons of Woody Allen movies while lying on our carpeted living room floor, before our furniture arrived in Canada, and smoke cigarettes and laugh until my face hurt. Our lifestyles are drastically different now yet somehow we’re capable of mutually respecting most of our choices. When the suits at Union push me aside I imagine their sisters and mothers and hometowns and think of how different it could have been had we been related. But then again, that is also exactly what I try to imagine when I think about rapists and murderers. So what now?

So now there are things that are meaningful to my life and they have very little to do with what I'm supposed to "aspire to" but they keep everything together like glue and make it alright. Like my family, my friends and "just spending time" and witnessing extraordinary things, although simple experiences can be great too: black birds flying over the lake, waking up at dawn and riding a bike across town on very little sleep but with lots of adrenaline, hard work, then even harder work, personal goals, sharing meals, communal living, bodies and nudity, helping and listening and feeling needed, late night swims, watching plants grow, knowing what you want, thinking in bed alone, being in love, feeling hurt. I enjoy a good struggle because sometimes it can teach you a lesson. Sorry for the sappy-fest, all I wanted to say is that it's ok to make mistakes and constantly restructure the way I feel about the world because the world and I aren't static. Good night.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

word x