Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Me and unknown dog, by Helena, 2009. I'll get back to why I'm posting this in the end.

One of my favourite stories of all times is "River of Names" by Dorothy Allison. It's probably the scariest story I've ever read, and guys, if you know me then you know that I have a tendency to only read depressing books. It's literally a "river of names" - there were so many - the stories and names of her young South Carolina family members who died as children. I fully recommend that you read it (CLICK)

I enjoy reading awful books. I often keep re-reading the scariest lines over and over, imagining them, how sad is that. I probably enjoy it so much because it makes me feel better about my own (sometimes) destructive personality but I could also just be a sensationalist, I don't know, you be the judge. I feel that I really need to know what the worst thing is that I could possibly ever endure, or something along those lines. I'm curious to learn about everything. I'm also convinced that everyone in my immediate family suffers from PTSD from being constantly bombed during the 1990s and maybe that is why now that we're "safe" in Canada we feel the need to shock/scare ourselves.

I'm getting off topic here. So I read this great essay by Dorothy Allison titled "A Question of Class", it's sort of long but you should go read it anyway. D.A. is so good at making these astute observations, in detail, on how people constantly repress each other in any given setting. Siblings, lovers, colleagues, neighbours, etc... I think it's inescapable. The other day I watched "Trading Places"(only the second half of it - Eddie Murphy had already morphed into a successful stock trader and Dan Aykroyd was hanging out on a sidewalk with a bottle of liquor in a Santa Claus outfit) and it reminded me that anyone can be an asshole if given the chance. Including me and you and our parents and grandparents, absolutely everyone. No matter how "sensitive" you think you are, you probably are hurting someone and they aren't telling you. Because not everyone is honest, especially not when it comes to admitting something that is scary or humiliating.

This is what I want to change in the near future: I never want to feel like I have to lie and I never want to do anything I don't want to do. Does that make sense? Transparency?

I am moving away from the island in a week. I feel like I've been waiting for this moment for a while and now I'm ready. So it's happening. Wait, haven't I just stated that like one post ago?! That picture up there with the dog was taken more than two years ago and ever since then my life sort of stopped. That's really how I feel even though lots of things have happened in the meantime, I feel stunted. I finished grad school and moved back to the island because I did not want to commit to the city, because I have a terrible, juvenile fear of commitment and because I was not ready to be back. But now I feel so ready to move on I might barf if I don't.

Anyway, see you in the neighbourhood. Here's the only song I've wanted to listen to for two days now (that and Pretty Hate Machine by NIN) and you should go watch the beautiful video HERE - embedding disabled. If you want me to give you a list of the scariest books I've ever read please ask, I would love that. BYE PALS.

1 comment:

kat said...

I love Pretty Hate Machine!!! Also, will be nice to (perhaps) run into you sometimes.