Sunday, February 5, 2012

The first thing I notice getting out of a long term relationship is that suddenly those moments when I usually feel some sort of elation -- like when I ride my bike while listening to my favourite song or walk around my neigbhourhood with the sun shining on my smiling face -- they suddenly feel very lonely. I notice it right away because I have a strong habit of sharing everything all the time. I HAVE to tell someone that the sun shone on my face while I smiled and describe how great it felt and the person I tell has to be in love with me enough to appreciate this moment I experienced and maybe be in love with it too and then communicate it back to me. Affirmation!! Etc... life is complicated. Breakups suck for everyone. What I miss the most is hours of conversation about art and books and history and lil' Wayne. I don't think I've ever talked to anyone so openly about my ideas before.

Another thing I noticed is how foreign other bodies feel. I don't know if I'll ever get used to new bodies or to the way they smell. It's like sitting squished next to someone on a busy bus or having a doctor examine you so closely you can almost smell their breath. Now imagine instead this bus or doctor person in your arms, maybe even in your bed! I imagine it all the time and it makes me feel weird. But bodies have this magic quality of transforming over time and habit into someone we want to sit next to and even desire. I read a great shitty article in a fashion magazine for older (25+) "ladies" where women in their thirties whose "biological clock must be ticking" were warned against sleeping with just "any man" unless he could be a potential mate. Because of Oxytocin of course. The more you sleep with that man the harder your body will convince you that you need him as a partner, even if he isn't good enough to be one. I thought it was hilarious but kind of true. Fashion magazines may bullshit you but chemistry is very real and you might end up with someone you don't even like. 

Hey I have some work in this show titled "The Land Seen From the Sea" (how appropriate!) in Genoa (CLICK) - if you're in Italy you should go see and tell me about it.

Hennessy Youngman came to give a talk in Toronto and apparently there was a line up the size of a city block. I didn't go. There's a pretty scandalous review of the talk here (CLICK).

Speaking of scandals, I'm reading "Just Kids" by Patti Smith (finally) and I kind of hate it. Steve Kado and I talked during our reading group meeting and both admitted that we really want to like Patti Smith but we just don't. I find her too flowery, cryptic, insincere. It sounds like nonsense to me. She seems to desire to make everything seem better and prettier than it is, which is the exact opposite of my impulse. If something's ugly let it be ugly.

I had such a great little day yesterday, I wish all my days were like that. There is a show I want to see, at Susan Hobbs, work by Althea Thauberger. And Tasman Richardson at MOCCA. I'm sure you've seen them already but if not please come with me. Here are my current favourite paintings.

Simon McNally

Bob Thompson

Chris Boni

Good night.


isla.m.craig|at| said...

the smell of past loves never leave. they are imbedded so deeply. it's the hardest part to get over i think.

p.s. patti smith is my hero(ine), so big ups to her punk rock romantic spirit and flow.

benivulka said...

Lah maybe one day you can give me a talk/presentation on Patti Smith and help me understand what I'm missing!

Xenia said...

I kind of hated it too! I always feel liked this sort of indulgent recollection of poverty can only come from someone who came out the other side with money, like I want to feel this way about my adult life so far(which was similar in many ways? Maybe?) but the fact that it is still like this takes away from the glamour of it all to say the least. You know?

benivulka said...

yeah that's exactly what i said and then felt self conscious about and deleted - artists in books/films always make me cringe because i don't think i know even one person who acts/lives so glamorously

Anonymous said...

Golnar said...

Hey. I hope you survive, and I'm sure you will, your break-up. Life is hard. You will appreciate your new home that much more.


Anonymous said...

I'm with Isla. It's such a deeply imbedded thing -scent- and it's hard to escape. Like sometimes the wind blows across your face in the summer and you smell some fragment of someone from years ago...

I've not read that Patti Smith book but I'm sort of on the fence about her. I want to love her because it seems like I should (ideas! punk! feminism!) but I never fell into her as deeply as others. I might have to read that book... or sit in on that presentation you'll be giving Yuula ;)

marla said...

what are you showing? xxx