Monday, September 3, 2012

On the log at 5am. Helena took this. Those are black flies all over my back.

I've taken a long hiatus and that hiatus must end.

Sometimes I go back and read my journals from two, three years ago (like this one) . My life was in such turmoil  then but it was fruitful. I'm very happy these days but maybe happiness isn't always the ultimate goal. A while back as I was going through the ending of the most harmonious relationship I've ever been in I said to a friend "But X is the best and I love him so much why not stay together then?" she said "Maybe you don't want the best." And it's true. I hate drama but I love conflict and don't want to be fully satisfied because satisfaction equals death. You stop looking, not just around but also at each other. I didn't use to be like that, when we first met I craved that kind of satisfaction.  It's a new feeling. I changed a lot. Some days it makes me feel like an awful person but those days are rare now.

The thing is, so much time is spent in your twenties figuring that shit out and asserting yourself and negotiating the kinds of relationships you want to be in that once you turn thirty you feel entitled to be selfish, picky, to get exactly what you want or nothing at all. At least I do. Why not be honest? They'll all find out what you are anyway. So what if you're fucked up. Everyone is.

I'm looking for a date to go see the new Haneke film BTW.

I'm also looking for a person to help me with work. It will be almost 99% physical, which basically means focusing and releasing the shutter when I tell you. I will do the same, or an equivalent, for you. I need a person to work with ASAP, until at least the end of fall. Someone who is serious and can commit. If you're not serious then I probably won't be. And then what's the point? Thank you and good night.

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