Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Isla and I are working on this thing and I am so excited. That day was dark and blue like someone knew we were hungover and dimmed the lights and that was OK because it looked very beautiful.

I've had these fantasies about having a baby ever since the late 2000s. Maybe it began when I saw how people without children can get lonely when they reach fifty or sixty and that scared me. Or maybe because not many people in my "community" have kids and it seemed like a different and exciting thing to do. There's something instantly grown up about a person with a baby even if the person is a teenager. It means responsibility and commitment or something like that. I don't have a huge amount of either in my life and sometimes I glorify it. I've never wanted to have kids before. I remember the moment it happened too. I was living with Amy Lam in Montreal and while showering I thought "why not?". And I sort of became obsessed with the idea of having a child as a goal even though in real life, I probably have hung out with a real baby no more than a handful of times. I don't even know if I like them. When I get interested in other people's babies it's because they represent some sort of a potential (cliche, sorry), like you can see the wheels turning in their little heads and learning and growing taking place right in front of you like a stop motion film of a flower blooming. I have two fears: I have a baby and I hate it OR it dies. Not really sure how to deal with either.

I'm reading "A Guide For The Perplexed" by E. F. Schumacher (found it in on the sidewalk) and it talks about the narrow mindedness of the belief that science is truth because "materialistic scientism" (the science of how inanimate things "behave") follows a policy of leaving something out if it is in doubt. So I guess essentialism for inanimate objects? He gives the example of maps and how they often leave buildings out for political or cultural reasons (churches, ruins of cities occupied and destroyed, etc) and how even though these things exist in your life, they are not recorded. It made me think of a great book I read a long time ago - "Sacred Landscape: The Buried History of the Holy Land Since 1948". It's a little memoir by a man who in his childhood accompanied his father (famous geographer) while he "traveled through the "Holy Land" charting a Hebrew map that would rename Palestinian sites and villages with names linked to Israel's ancestral homeland". This also made me think of the ruins on the outskirts of our town where my siblings and I used to play as children. The ruins as we were told in school were Roman and ancient and so when we found coins, articles of clothing and furniture inside we were thrilled. In reality those were the remnants of Al Bassa - a Palestinian village of about 3000 people that was completely destroyed by the Israeli Haganah in 1948. "Completely destroyed" - with the exception of a few buildings in the area where the local dump is currently located. You can read about Al Bassa and other places like it here.

I've been busy working on a million new things and even though I complain a lot about 15 hour work days, I secretly love it. I discovered that the secret to sleeping well at night is not a daily two hour workout at the gym, as I previously thought, it's working your mind until it slips into a coma. I started a new interview project and the first one of the series will be posted this week!

I have been thinking about dance a lot and I only want to listen to Koudlam these days. Here, you can listen too. BYE!


kim said...

its good to hear good people are busy.

Anonymous said...

In fight video, the building on horizon... i used to live there :)