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2012-01-31T15:50:00.000-08:00

When I was seventeen I almost died. I know that sounds very dramatic but it really was! It happened at three in the morning on the last night of summer holidays when I hitchhiked home from a party with my best friend (pictured with me, above), this other girl I was secretly in love with and some boy from our class. We planned to sneak back into our rooms and pretend to have been home all along before our parents got up to go to work. Anyway, the guy who pulled over - he was drunk. But so were we and so we didn't think twice when he told us to put our seat-belts on (there were none) or when he kept driving 150+ the entire way, taking sharp turns, even though we asked him to slow down. When I came to I was screaming - the entire car was screaming. But now that I think about it maybe it was the horn. I'm not sure exactly what happened but, I remember my best friend with her dress torn and hanging down her torso pulling me out of the car and into the ditch by the side of the road (she was afraid the car would go up in flames) and looking for my left boot (it flew off from the impact). I think my pants were half way down as well. I also remember being cut out of my clothes by nice nurses at the hospital - the same hospital my mom worked at - and worrying about my borrowed blouse that was stained with blood now being sliced top to bottom. I remember not being able to lift my legs when I had to pee into the bedpan and looking at my own greyscale reflection in the glass wondering why my face was completely black. It was covered in blood and bruises and mud. At that point I was high on morphine though, so when the nurses led my crying parents into the room I was laughing and cracking jokes about how I needed a sponge bath ASAP or whatever, extending my arms willingly to get more needles, etc...

Two years later I hitchhike with the same friend and we get into a red pick up truck and as we approach the half-way mark I see the driver's mail (it was in the back seat) addressed to Habib Mahoul from Kfar Yasif (same guy). I ask him politely to pull over and let us off in the middle of nowhere and frantically tell my friend, we then cry a bit and continue our journey. THE END.

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Up until that point in my life I have never broken a single bone in my body and (coincidentally????) was reeeeeally into gore and horror films, which my brother and sister and I religiously watched together every weekend. From that year on I became cautious about everything: heights, knives, bikes, ball games, rocky beaches, car rides with strangers, slippery sidewalks. Somehow seeing my body in that condition made everything into a threat and to this day I often have flashes of "what if____________(insert your own dangerous scenario here)". It applies to physical pain exclusively. My friends don't understand why I cringe and roll my eyes when a specifically graphic story moment comes up because they don't know that my knees and brain are melting at that very moment. I don't know if I'll ever be able to shake it off, but hopefully I will!

Anyway all that to say that I'm going to have a wisdom tooth removed tomorrow and I'm scared of the blood and the crunching sounds that teeth make as they leave your body. Thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach. PLEASE SHARE YOUR POSITIVE EXPERIENCES WITH ME I NEED IT! tindronomel@gmail.com

2012-01-23T12:37:00.000-08:00

Verbal diarrhea day. Where do I begin? Here are some of the things I've been thinking about / looking at -- I'll try to make it as impersonal as I can.

I'm reading a book by Eduard Limonov titled A Young Scoundrel. I stole it from my dad's shelf because I wanted the next book I read to be in Russian and it's the first one that caught my attention. I can pretty much narrow down my dad's book choices to these two categories: super fancy hardcover "classics" - Pushkin, Lermontov, Remarque, Bulgakov, Mayakovsky - or trashy contemporary Russian sci-fi. And then there's this book. Limonov's name popped out because he is the founder and leader of the National Bolshevik Party and since my parents openly detest any communist/socialist texts and personalities I was surprised to find it on his shelf. When I once told my parents I was reading Marx my dad suggested that I progress to Mein Kampf next (and actually, I did?!) and my mom just said "fu!" (yuck!). Anyway, I find Limonov's bastardized Russian easy to understand so I'm going to stick with it. My parents' politics can be extremely ambiguous at times.

I was reading today how during Stalin's time geraniums, canaries, kittens, floral wallpaper, feather pillows, samovars and lacy curtains were eradicated from Soviet homes under the "Down With Domestic Trash" campaign launched by the Komsomol Truth newspaper. They were seen as kitschy symbols of the middle class, something that interrupts your daily life and work. I find that interesting considering the state of my own childhood home which contained precisely all of those objects (minus canaries and kittens). My parents were by no means wealthy but they clearly craved all the things they were encouraged not to have in their youth.

Today my mom and I talked about how Russian language (especially written) has this ironic and humorously self deprecating tone and how it seems so inappropriate in this (North American) climate. I think it reflects the "Russian" character and it's something I feel ambivalent about - that tone - probably because at this point in my life it's so foreign to me. All the more reason to read Russian books, right.

I joined a Women's Painting Club with a large group of women and it's the most exciting thing right now. It was organized by Lisa Cristinzo in a response to the lull we all experience each winter with our work. At the very least until we start group meetings it's a never-ending daily source of images, posted by everyone, which is amazing. It's like being in school except you're getting exactly what you want out of your education. My favourite thing that's been posted so far is Niki de Saint Phalle's shooting paintings:

There's a really great show by Christine Negus at TPW right now that you should see. It's titled "you can't spell slaughter without laughter" - there are some objects and banners but you should especially see the videos, which are heartbreaking and poignant in the best way. If you can't go please watch the videos on her vimeo channel HERE. Please watch the stars video at least until 1:30.

Good night.

2012-01-12T11:54:00.000-08:00

Winter is when I listen to the Violent Femmes a lot like an angsty teenager.

When I was a child I used to really love those little plastic stir sticks you get with your cocktails. My uncle was a big drinker and he would have them sitting in a glass on a shelf in my grandparents' room. I didn't really know what they were for I just found them so precious, translucent and fragile. I used to categorize them by colours and put them up against the window. I used to categorize everything by shape and colour, buttons, candy, pencil crayons, fruit. I still do that, except these days I like to categorize people by the role they play in my life. It's a bit harder because their roles change every day. I call it "restructuring". People don't like to be categorized but they do it to others all the time. Nobody liked it when my uncle came over because he was usually drunk but I loved it. He used to sit on my grandma's red velvet couch and blow smoke rings into the air while I jumped around trying to catch them. My parents didn't really drink but they had a crystal decanter in their room, where I usually slept, and it was the first thing I saw every day when I woke up. I wasn't allowed to ever touch the decanter but I remember it well. I still find the ritualism and paraphernalia of substance abuse very seductive - probably because of those early memories. Last week I bought my own crystal decanter at the St Michel flea market and now it's sitting on my shelf, half full. I don't really touch it but I find its presence comforting.

One of my favourite films is Heart of Glass by Herzog. It's about an 18th century Bavarian village with a glassblowing factory that produces this very special red ruby glass that the entire village is addicted to. When the factory's main glassblower dies and takes the secret to producing the glass with him everyone in the village loses their minds. I've become borderline obsessed with glassblowing. It involves transformation and alchemy and it's so mysterious to me that I think glassblowers are like magicians. My friends Iris and Deidre's father is one and when I recently got to browse through some of his work it made my brain melt. All the pieces in the picture up there (photo by Iris Fraser) are also his. The green colour comes from melted Uranium (which you could still buy 40 years ago). When I watched the Herzog film for the first time I thought I was going to have a panic attack because the dialogue was so oddly paced. Later on I found out that every single actor in every scene was heavily hypnotized prior to performing. The actors seemed to be on the verge of hysterics but somehow it seemed like the most appropriate response to their predicament. That's exactly how I feel when I'm surrounded by glass: I can't get enough of it. I'd like to watch it again so if you're interested, you know where to find me. OK bye friends.

2012-01-11T11:28:00.000-08:00

Look at these paintings by Gerald Ferguson

The best things in life are those that you don't like right away. You might even hate them a little bit. But it's only because they mean something and years later you will find out their meaning and you will love it. And you wouldn't even need to learn to love it because it will be so familiar, because it's been there with you all along disguised as something unappealing. That's how I feel about abstract painting: in the past I found it to be at once too restrained and too physical, both of which repelled me. Now I really enjoy that physicality, it took me about 28 years of living to actually fully absorb it.

I'm still reading Pushkin's biography and it's still very entertaining. Pushkin was a womanizer but he didn't like to admit it so he tried to make even his shortest relationships seem pretty and meaningful. I don't really respect that because I think it's insincere but it makes for a good reading. I know some people like that. Also yesterday I learned that Chagall was in love with his wife to the point of obsession. Somehow knowing intimate details about one's life makes it easier to appreciate them. It's like suddenly Pushkin is my pal, I know all about his affairs and such. I guess that's why people read US Weekly. Anyway, someone please lend me your AGO pass so I can go see the Chagall exhibit. Making people pay $30 to look at some paintings is fucking ridiculous. Here's a portrait of Chagall painted by his first art teacher, what a handsome man!

On new year's eve I saw a jumper in one of the office buildings at the corner of Bay and College. He broke the window of his fifteenth floor office with a chisel and hammer (I read that later in the paper) and kept throwing pieces of glass onto pedestrians coming in and out of the building while swinging in and out of the window. I was surprised to see how many people lingered to see if he was going to jump. I don't think I would feel OK for a while after witnessing something like that.

I'm going to spend the weekend on the island processing film and working on a new video. If you're around maybe come have a coffee with me. I want to leave you with this song I stole from my beautiful sister. Bye!

2011-12-27T13:00:00.001-08:00

2012 is less than a week away! For 2012 there will be no more bangs. It's about time.

A couple of weeks ago we went to see Melancholia and it made me cry. It's a LVT film about the apocalypse as told through the eyes of a severely depressed woman and her immediate family. The ending was so epic and emotional that neither of us could say anything until a few minutes into the credits. It made me feel ill. I'm not going to spoil it for you but you should go see it while you can, it's very effective. I had scary apocalyptic dreams that night. I also really want to see the new Cronenberg soon will someone come with me? It's about the relationship between Freud and Jung, and if that doesn't sound compelling to you maybe you and I need to have a talk.

I try to ride my bike around town whenever I can and it makes me feel so happy to live in this city. I find Toronto simultaneously sketchy and beautiful. A while ago a friend told me why he found Montreal attractive when he first moved there (because it was small and "quaint") and it is exactly the reason why I love to visit but probably can never move there permanently. Toronto is the first Canadian city I've lived in, it's grey and dirty and busy and multicultural, and I love it. Some of my best friends live here and we often end up supporting each other when no one else does. I feel very lucky.

One year when I was a kid my siblings and I got into Degrassi. Mostly because our town didn't have "real" cable yet and it was the only show that addressed young adults on the one public TV channel we had access to. Our town had no cable, but there was a man who for a small one time fee would come to your house and physically adjust your antenna to receive the signal he transmitted from his own house (Swintak interjects: "Real community cable!"). He would transmit all kinds of loosely organized garbage: mostly action films during the day, cartoons on the weekends, and porn after midnight. He also used to play The Wall a lot, which the three of us have seen more than 20 times and have some parts memorized (it was better than watching the news on the other channel).

Anyway, back to Degrassi. It wasn't as cool as Fresh Prince or 90210 but there was something about it that I almost fetishized as a kid: the bleakness, the bad haircuts, denim-everything, politeness, repression and cheesiness. It was my first introduction to Canadian culture and that first impression stuck to this day. I feel it when I ride my bike around town, it makes me smile like an idiot.

OK, enough about that.

I'm wondering if someone can come over and give me some gardening tips. I'm having trouble with keeping my plants happy. I make good coffee. I hope that's a fair exchange.

I've been listening to Sonic Youth exclusively all day. I think it'll make for good winter music. If you want to make some recommendations for your favourite winter music please do.

BYE I LOVE YOU

2011-12-20T12:04:00.000-08:00

Overheard:

- A black teenage boy with cornrows wearing a grey track suit and a backpack on the verge of tears into his cellphone, around 8am "But mom it's really hard not to screw up!"

- A woman to the man with her - both just stepped out of the St. Stephen's Community Centre in Kensington market - while looking at a stack of huge cardboard boxes outside of Bikes on Wheels "Holy Mackerel! We could live in that!!"

- A man who came out of a shitty College St. nightclub and then cut me off in his car, almost ran me over, then stopped and rolled down his window "You cunt you stupid fucking whore I could have killed you! It would have been my fault!"

- A passenger in a passing cab last night, to me, while I was biking home from work "Move over you loser!"

That is the kind of stuff I miss when I wear my headphones, which is most of the time. But not last night. I gave the finger to that guy in the cab and when he was finally out of my sight I stopped by the side of the road and cried a bit. I often remember the things that people say more than their actions. I especially remember their tone of voice because it's like reading between the lines, it allows you to hear human traits and emotions even if they try to hide it - like guilt, negativity or cowardice - it's all there. My favourite stuff to overhear is caring, determination and confidence. Decisiveness? It's affirming. When we moved away from the USSR I memorized the sound of my best friend's voice calling out to her dog because I knew that the memory of her voice will remain long after her face disappears. Weird. Anyway, the reason I prefer to listen to music on my is bike because then I don't have to listen to drunk jerks in passing cars.

Today I read about a Rwandan prison that received an award for sustainable energy because it reduced its fuel costs by seventy five percent when they converted human (the prisoners') feces into methane gas that can be used for cooking. It's a pretty great idea, of course the reason for that kind of creative thinking is because Rwandan prisons are overcrowded with political prisoners and cost their government a whole lot of money.

Do you have a darkroom I could use? I need a sealed room to load the film and a tank that could hold a bunch of 35mm and 120mm reels or anything you got, really. I have over twenty rolls to go through. Will mix/bring my own chemicals.

Winter sucks and I'm going through some shit. I'm not talking about it but that's just because I hate talking about problems. Friends, you make me happy and I want your company. Please everyone come tomorrow to Don Miller's talk at the White House (CLICK) it's winter solstice and it would be so good to see all of you. Good night, here's a song.

2011-11-26T13:06:00.000-08:00

My mother's favourite. Nights of Cabiria is an old Fellini film starring Giulietta Masina. It's about an Italian prostitute who keeps getting her heart broken by manipulative men who seduce her, use her and eventually try to kill her for her moneybags (she's smart and knows how to save). It sounds kind of outlandish but I bet there are worse stories than that in real life (HERE). So, the ending is totally heartbreaking: Masina and her very charming new husband are on their honeymoon. He invites her on a romantic walk and leads her to the edge of a cliff with a beautiful view, where he becomes increasingly cold and nervous. She suddenly realizes that he is planning to rob her and push her off the cliff, just like her previous lover, so she throws her purse full of money at his feet, money she had saved for their new life together, then she falls to the ground and sobs uncontrollably. He runs off. When she comes to, she takes a slow and tearful stroll through the wooded path, where an orchestra and a parade of happy young people in love magically appear. They sing to her and as she walks through them she begins smiling through her tears. The end!

Anyway, that description is basically my mother's character in a nutshell. Metaphorically speaking of course, because to my knowledge my mum's never been a prostitute and no one's ever tried to push her off a cliff. I just mean, she is probably the strongest person I know because no matter how awful things are she is positive and cracks jokes constantly. She scoffs at complainers. She smiles all the time. And that is how she raised us.

When I was fifteen I made a list of all the people I knew and how they might react to my death, had I decided to kill myself. I felt sad and not used to being a teenager yet, and probably affected by hormones. I was dating my first boyfriend and our relationship was ending fast - mostly because he was cheating on me with two of my closest friends. We all lost our virginities to him, me being the first (I think). I hated my school.

I thought I was a piece of garbage because the only person I ever dated wasn't interested in our relationship anymore, even though it was his first as well. It was a very miserable little list that I made, because at the time I assumed that most people in my life didn't care for me. I split them into three categories: "wouldn't give a shit" "might be surprised" and "might be upset". At fifteen I thought that I hadn't made an impact on anyone besides my family and that I had no stories to tell. In retrospect I realize I must have been depressed, the way most teenagers are, and that my reaction to what was happening was perfectly natural. Back then it felt like the end of the world. It wasn't, really.

^^^ That's me, on the left. At fifteen I was still a kid - pretty scrawny, weighed 86 lbs and still haven't gone through my final growth spurt. I didn't know how to express my anger or how to deal with it besides hurting myself. I got into physical fights with boys. I listened to sad songs. I spray painted curse words all over the buildings of his neighbourhood. I laid in my bed and looked out the window. My lover and I left letters for each other in my parents' mailbox every night, and whenever there was no letter I knew that he was out seeing one of my friends. There was a perversely mature understanding between the two of us and an "arrangement" that made me feel very hurt but at the same time curious. Because I wanted to love only him but he wanted to love everyone, and I spent hours trying to figure out why and how that works. He was too embarrassed to explain himself to me and eventually I just accepted it as a fact. I couldn't talk to anyone about it. My sister and I painted and read books together but I thought she was too young to understand what I was going through. My parents were too busy to clue in to my teenage drama. So it was a pretty lonely time, but I learned a lot. Then I switched schools, met someone new and just like that - I left.

It was over so quickly. I saw him a couple more times since then and then I stopped calling. Not because I was trying to hurt him - I was feeling too happy to want to talk to him. I went to art school, I dated new boys, I made friends with people who cared for me and who I cared for, and I finally established that I am not and will never be "a piece of garbage" no matter what. That's just a ridiculous thought. I learned how to pull myself out of a hole. My first boyfriend was just a horny and selfish teenage boy but he gave me a good life lesson: no one should ever have the power to fuck with you like that. And if they try to they're just silly. Move on, start fresh and be happy. It's pretty crucial to learn how to value yourself but it's also important to know how to not take yourself and them so seriously. That's how I survive, I listen to myself complain, laugh at myself and decide to move on. It makes me feel strong! That's the point of this whole thing, that's what my mom taught me, if you can laugh at yourself you must be pretty strong. Go watch that film right now if you haven't yet, do it today!

I don't mean to be so preachy but winter's coming and I think everyone needs a little push.

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The other day we got my library card renewed and all I've been doing since is ordering books and reading. I wish I could take a month off just to read, oh man. I'm going to audit a couple of courses with a pal starting January, it's the most exciting news. Learning is only secondary to making/producing (#1) but why have I been paying so much to go to university for nine years?!

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I read this research that suggests that sitting down for more than six hours a day is killing people (HERE) and it doesn't matter whether you exercise or not, a sedentary lifestyle is evil and unhealthy. It must be true. Human beings were not meant to be sitting still for eight hours a day on top of lying still for another eight. The days that I do sit still make me feel horrible and depressed. You can always exercise and if you can't, ask someone to help you. For example, my friend Anne uses a wheelchair but she is always so active, she's one of the healthiest people I know.

Alright I wrote a bible today. Who is going to the island sweat? Wake me up from my nap.

2011-11-09T20:09:00.001-08:00

I love The Hurting by Tears for Fears. I have it on tape. I was really broke during my first year in Toronto and I shoplifted it along with many other tapes from Buy the Pound on Jarvis and Adelaide. I had a shitty hand-me-down tape deck, no bank account, and I really wanted to listen to music. One evening Xenia and I walked into Buy the Pound where I grabbed a briefcase and filled it up with tapes. Then we walked out - just like that. I didn't feel guilty about stealing because I had nothing. It was two thousand and two. I was twenty one and had just finished dating my first Canadian boyfriend. His name was Noel. We bonded over talking about our dreams (we both kept dream diaries and fantasized about the memory recording machine in that movie Strange Days with Juliette Lewis) and Wild Turkey. He lived in Parkdale and had a neurotic little cat named Nico. One morning before leaving for work Noel brought a kitten into bed (I knew how to sleep in then). The kitten was still really tiny and made squeaky little meow sounds and Noel and his roommate named it Lucy. Three months later, at the vet's office, Noel found out that Lucy was a boy.

Noel videotaped me smoking cigarettes and laughing and walking along Roncesvalles and making observations with my (then very thick) accent and laughing again. I laughed at everything. Most days we just laid on his couch watching Klaus Kinski films and eating ice cream, but we also went on the wildest and weirdest adventures together. Our parting of ways wasn't pleasant. He thought I was too young to understand his complex (immature) character and I was too proud to tell him how much I liked him (also immature). Instead of telling him how I felt I updated my blog with sad song lyrics (this is pre-youtube) and listened to The Hurting because it was sort of cheesy and appropriate and most importantly, it was one of the only four tapes I owned at the time. So in a way that tape became my break up record. I still love it.

That time with Noel ten years ago marked the beginning of my learning how to navigate "adult" relationships. Whereas before I was always quick to let my temper fly, in his case I pulled back, internalized, and, once the feelings subsided came to my own conclusions about our affair. The conclusion: leave it behind. Strategic anger VS emotional anger. Zeesy and I argued about this subject two weeks ago when I was PMSing and felt patronized and pissed off because she told me to channel my feelings toward some sort of a goal and I just felt like punching someone in the face or burning down a building. I got over it pretty quickly (hi Zeesy!). Here are some examples of strategic anger:

1968 summer Olympics

Voina

Coco Fusco & Guillermo Gomez-Pena

I'm not sure what examples of emotional anger I could provide you with. Battered women? Just kidding obviously there are good examples. Emotional anger is instinctual. I feel it when I sense that my life is in jeopardy. Standing up for yourself or your loved ones isn't about logic and strategy, for example. Emotional anger is important because it helps me survive.

Anyway enough nonsense.

Swintak lent me a pile of great books, one of which I've been reading all afternoon: 'Hans Ulrich Obrist Interviews Volume I' (READ). There's an interview with Maurizio Cattelan where he talks about some of his rejected and unrealized projects, one of which is a fake Nazi rally. You can read the interview HERE it's hilarious. Everything MC says is hilarious. Because he's not afraid to make fun of himself, which I think is one of the features I appreciate most in people.

Last night I drank Juniper tea and watched the rain outside my window and drew. Come draw with me. We can drink something a bit less PG. Today I'm sipping wine and drawing all day. I'm pretty much chained to my desk.

Here's what I'm listening to right now, bye pals.

2011-10-25T12:59:00.000-07:00

Me and unknown dog, by Helena, 2009. I'll get back to why I'm posting this in the end.

One of my favourite stories of all times is "River of Names" by Dorothy Allison. It's probably the scariest story I've ever read, and guys, if you know me then you know that I have a tendency to only read depressing books. It's literally a "river of names" - there were so many - the stories and names of her young South Carolina family members who died as children. I fully recommend that you read it (CLICK)

I enjoy reading awful books. I often keep re-reading the scariest lines over and over, imagining them, how sad is that. I probably enjoy it so much because it makes me feel better about my own (sometimes) destructive personality but I could also just be a sensationalist, I don't know, you be the judge. I feel that I really need to know what the worst thing is that I could possibly ever endure, or something along those lines. I'm curious to learn about everything. I'm also convinced that everyone in my immediate family suffers from PTSD from being constantly bombed during the 1990s and maybe that is why now that we're "safe" in Canada we feel the need to shock/scare ourselves.

I'm getting off topic here. So I read this great essay by Dorothy Allison titled "A Question of Class", it's sort of long but you should go read it anyway. D.A. is so good at making these astute observations, in detail, on how people constantly repress each other in any given setting. Siblings, lovers, colleagues, neighbours, etc... I think it's inescapable. The other day I watched "Trading Places"(only the second half of it - Eddie Murphy had already morphed into a successful stock trader and Dan Aykroyd was hanging out on a sidewalk with a bottle of liquor in a Santa Claus outfit) and it reminded me that anyone can be an asshole if given the chance. Including me and you and our parents and grandparents, absolutely everyone. No matter how "sensitive" you think you are, you probably are hurting someone and they aren't telling you. Because not everyone is honest, especially not when it comes to admitting something that is scary or humiliating.

This is what I want to change in the near future: I never want to feel like I have to lie and I never want to do anything I don't want to do. Does that make sense? Transparency?

I am moving away from the island in a week. I feel like I've been waiting for this moment for a while and now I'm ready. So it's happening. Wait, haven't I just stated that like one post ago?! That picture up there with the dog was taken more than two years ago and ever since then my life sort of stopped. That's really how I feel even though lots of things have happened in the meantime, I feel stunted. I finished grad school and moved back to the island because I did not want to commit to the city, because I have a terrible, juvenile fear of commitment and because I was not ready to be back. But now I feel so ready to move on I might barf if I don't.

Anyway, see you in the neighbourhood. Here's the only song I've wanted to listen to for two days now (that and Pretty Hate Machine by NIN) and you should go watch the beautiful video HERE - embedding disabled. If you want me to give you a list of the scariest books I've ever read please ask, I would love that. BYE PALS.

2011-10-16T17:57:00.000-07:00

I got a batwing shirt from Mel and Airin, it's all I want to wear.

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So now you can get arrested and go to prison for attempting to close your bank account. I keep re-watching that video of the Citibank arrests and I'm so angry I feel sick. I'm not surprised at all but seeing the cops manhandle that woman makes me want to barf. How awful it is to feel so completely powerless against those bastards, when I think about it I just have this unbelievable rage. I hate the police now more than ever. Strip them of their weapon and badge and let's see what happens. And of course people are going to withdraw their funds, banks are fucking them over. Apparently JPMorgan branches were swamped yesterday with people quietly closing their bank accounts and taking their money elsewhere. Good for them.

It doesn't matter, things can only get better from here on, even if they get really bad first.

Why so glum, chum? My hand is small like a bird's foot. I am moving back to the city in thirteen days, just in time for fall. I can't wait to ride my bike through the leaves! Let's have coffee. All I do these days is draw pictures for the book Alex Durlak and I are working on together and listen to Radiolab. Have you lost your virginity? Is it a good story? Or a really awful one? Please send it to me anonymously, I'd love to have it. I will illustrate it and it will be published in a real book before Xmas! Otherwise you can come draw with me.

Here's a song for you. Bye pals!

2011-10-13T15:59:00.000-07:00

HOW I SPEND 99% OF MY TIME (TWIRLING)

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The other day I heard on the CBC that confronting an office bully only results in trouble but I don't agree at all. If you have a bully in your life you have to confront them. Do it in public, embarrass them. If it's someone you love then tell them how they make you feel and if they get even more aggressive, tell them to fuck off and don't waste any more of your time on that mean, insecure person.

When I was ten my family lived in a subsidized housing complex on the outskirts of a small town where young immigrant families like ours shared the building with the locals - some of the most ignorant and disrespectful people I've ever met. It was a pretty harsh life lesson. When my parents told me about their plan to move to a warmer country I imagined palm trees, ice cream and the ocean - something very romantic along those lines, something FUN. I got all that, kind of. But often when my siblings wanted to play outside I was to join them and make sure that they don't get bullied by the local kids. And it's not like I was sent out to protect them because I wasn't scared of our neighbours - I was terrified. But I was also the oldest and it was expected of me to know how to deal with a bad situation if one would arise. The only thing I was certain of during all of those physical fights with the neighbourhood kids is that you can never show a bully that you're scared. You have to fight even when you know you're going to lose. I remember one instance in particular: I had agreed to fight two boys - Dani and Amir - on our front lawn knowing that I was going to get hurt. I can't recall whether my brother and sister were present but I do remember lying face down with Amir sitting on my back and Dani twisting my arm - I could smell his breath and it was disgusting. It was all I could think about, not the pain, just that smell. Somehow that smell made me suddenly so aware of our gender differences and instead of screaming in pain I tried to imagine the anatomy of the people I was fighting and reflected on how repulsive all boys are when you get close to them (I was ten). I spent a lot of my pre-teen years daydreaming about somehow getting back at them. When I grew up a bit I realized that it wasn't necessary: while most of our bullies were living miserable lives with abusive parents and aggressive jerks for friends, the three of us moved on to the kibbutz where finally everything fell into place. While we spent our free time reading books and painting, our bullies, then fifteen years old, were working on construction sites with their angry dads. I stopped fantasizing of revenge because seeing that just made me feel sad.

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Today was the best: I woke up and left the house while it was still pitch black, six forty five am. The weather was the most beautiful, windy and wet with flying leaves. I rode my bike through it and smiled! Here are two of my all time favourite "young" painters: Maureen Gubia and Chad Liebenguth (who is more a filmmaker than a painter I guess) PLEASE PAY ATTENTION, I REALLY THINK YOU MIGHT LIKE IT and BYEEEEEE bye!

MAUREEN GUBIA

CHAD LIEBENGUTH

2011-10-04T09:57:00.000-07:00

NUDIES

Hi pals, I made this video for Adam & The Amethysts! We shot it in the island lagoons at the end of August when it was still warm. We almost got run over by three party boats filled with people, they were drinking cocktails at one pm and taking pictures of us on their cellphones. There is lots of nudity in it so maybe don't watch at work??

I should write a real blog entry soon, I guess I'm not sad enough to write an epic one these days! Bye!

2011-09-30T09:41:00.000-07:00

There's a great new Radiolab episode about human-machine interaction that links computer programming to introspection and breaks down human behaviour into these minuscule but logical subroutines in a way that is so hilarious! Our brains are magic! Please listen, here: CLICK My fave part comes at 7:00min.

I'm reading a book about adultery in the early 1900s. Those are my favourite books to read because it makes me happy to know that even though we're in the "Future" nothing really changed when it comes to human relationships.

The positive thing is: if people burned down Wall Street today it would be impossible to tell who started the fire because there would be so many of them.

When our cat finishes cleaning himself he likes to clean me too. Today he licked my bangs until they were slicked all the way back. I had to use a towel to dry my hair

CJ and I

Two faced cat named Frank and Louie from Massachusetts

Agnes Varda

Bergman

Nick and Sheila Pye

This week's been so much about two-facedness that it's seeping out of my subconscious now in the form of pictures.

BYE!

2011-09-22T10:33:00.000-07:00

I started taking pictures for a new project that I'm working on, it will be my last one on the island. If you're around and up for it I'd like to take one of you too. It doesn't have to include nudity. Though it would be nice if you're okay with it.

The other day I came to meet my sister at her work place and she played a piano piece by Beethoven for me, one that she learned in two weeks. She works at a piano restoration place. I've never seen my sister play a musical instrument before and it was the most beautiful experience, I felt like someone was massaging my brain softly (I'm serious!), I wanted her to keep playing forever but we both had meetings. I instantly remembered being taken to piano lessons by our mother probably over twenty years ago, and how I ditched the idea almost immediately, but she didn't.

That same day during dinner with friends we got into a small argument about the use of technology in art or music and I realized that the reason I'm suspicious of certain technologies is because I don't fully understand them. When I was a kid my painting teacher said I was not allowed to delve into abstract painting before I was able to paint the world as it is, because I need to understand what it looks like before I start taking it apart. I think that statement is true for everything I encounter, unless I understand the basics of a practice I don't feel like I can fully participate in it. I like to learn everything from scratch. Don't you? The strange thing is, once you start studying in depth things that are not based in form and colour theories (like thought and science) it can drive you absolutely nuts. My friend Zeesy is taking a Biology class at Ryerson this semester, one I had taken a few years prior, and I'm curious to see how it affects her. Once I finally understood the system in which my physical body exists I went home feeling terrified. (CLICK) It made me understand life even less. That is why in the winter we're going to take the second part of that course together even though sometimes knowing less is better for the psyche. But I want to know everything.

In the meantime a "wild" teenage boy shows up at the Berlin city hall and claims that he had lived in the forest with his dad in the past five years. Have you heard about that? How does one survive in the wild for that long? I don't think I could ever enter the forest alone once the sun goes down. I can't even turn my back to the ocean late at night while swimming with friends.

Michel Houellebecq is he still missing. I check the news every day, for real. At least his new book is finally translated to English, I'm saving it for when I'm ready to get depressed.

This is my boring report. Contact me if you want to be photographed. Bye!

2011-09-19T08:03:00.000-07:00

THIS MORNING

Genevieve's beautiful paintings on our wall

Winter Morley

This morning we listened to Deloro and looked up painters we like. I will post some pictures of paintings and sculptures for you now. Today is beautiful and grey and I'm wearing the softest sweater and reading essays about Futurist Performance and The Synthetic Theatre.

Mamma Andersson

Jules De Balincort

Dana Schutz

Berlinde De Bruyckere (who has a show now at the DHC in MTL btw!!)

Ben Shumacher

OK I'm not in the mood for updates but maybe tomorrow! Here watch Morley's shoelace trick! Bye!

2011-09-15T14:12:00.000-07:00

M and A, headbanging while telling a me a funny story (on the island last week)

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When I was younger, not even a kid but like, ten years ago I believed in all kinds of things that I now know are nonsense. For example, I believed in the power of hypnosis and hoped that one day a trained hypnotist would be able to retrieve some of my lost memories, such as early childhood (which was important to me because my place of residence had changed very frequently) or alcohol related black-outs (particularly that time at Noam's sixteenth birthday) or the memory of being flung around like a puppet inside a car that spun out of control until it hit a tree and telephone poll and fell apart with us inside it. I also believed that loyalty equalled exclusivity, which I don't anymore, because now I know that honesty trumps all other virtues. I believed in "forever" and the idea that regardless of my death I would continue to exist and that somehow I would still matter. I believed that there are only two sides to everything and that I had to pick one. That desire is something to be ashamed of, that social class and money matter, that "best friends" means for life, that I need to work towards a steady routine in order to have a proper life, that guilt means that I actually did something bad. When I was in high-school two very close friends of mine had had a falling out and for months tortured and guilt tripped me when I was inclined to spend more time with one than the other. In retrospect it sounds like a nice situation, to be wanted and needed, but in reality it was months and months of hell. I felt guilty even though I knew rationally that there was no reason for it. I didn't do anything wrong except befriend two people who got into a stupid fight. This type of situation, the guilt trip, is probably the best way to get to me. But it's also the best way to push me away once I realize that it's only a game and that I'm actually in the right.

Last night before bed I read this passage that blew my mind, it was about manipulation between friends. In the book, one of the characters swayed a difficult social situation in everyone's favour using kindness and love toward the two people resisting, who she knew haven't had much affection in their lives. She called it "Love Light", which immediately made me think of Romy (who signs her emails that way), but also made so so much sense. I mean, is manipulation always that bad? No way. I deal with difficult interpersonal situations by forcing myself to get over the anger and try to be kind to the other person because then you can actually have a dialogue rather than a fight. Still, it's manipulative because the other person doesn't expect it. The easiest method of disarming is through friendliness and openness. And no, it doesn't make you a pushover. It makes you the stronger person. I know it sounds like complete bullshit but try it once and you'll see, it works. I wish I knew this in highschool, life could have been much easier had I not been so defensive all the time.

BTW the girl in the book used her kindness to convince two people to be in a pornographic film. But it's okay because in the end everyone was cool with it so don't worry about her motives!

Happy Fall

2011-09-11T11:09:00.000-07:00

It's a giant dream catcher hiding between two trees on the island. We found it while taking a walk two days ago.

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I was twenty seven and confused about the future and we decided to take a short road trip while everyone took their afternoon nap. It was damp and cold out but I insisted to go anyway. I could smell the ocean way before I could see it, the smell made me crazy with nostalgia because it's the smell of my childhood, because nothing makes me feel more at home than large bodies of water. When we moved to Toronto I couldn't orient myself properly in the city until I finally saw lake Ontario in person. It made all those other obstacles fade away. I don't know how people who have lived by large bodies of water their entire lives ever decide to move inland and forget. Water is a form of escape for me because it represents a potential somewhere on the other shore. Eventually when everything goes to shit it all becomes about crossing over.

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Have you got something that ghosts don't know

Have you got something hidden down

Below the rocks that got their start

Tossed out from god's own rocky heart

Of everywhere I've ever been

And everything I've ever seen

A secret is just a secret thing

And each thing's a little part of me

2011-09-07T11:45:00.000-07:00

Working on a new video and photographs. The stills are bad quality but it looks beautiful in real life, fluid and translucent with layers of limbs and seaweed brushing against each other to sleepy music. I've been wanting to paint seaweed in watercolour, small and delicate, like that Japanese artist (whose name I forget) who carved tiny plants out of wood and placed them in the cracks of the gallery walls. Do you remember the name? Tell me. BTW Artur Zmijewski's show opens at MOCCA on the 9th someone please come with me I'll buy you a drink.

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I've decided to embrace fall instead of fighting it. I spend most of my days rushing from place to place without ever letting myself breathe and when I don't rush I start losing my mind. It's time for a stress break. I took the mariner back to the island this morning and sat on a bench at the edge of the big pier by myself for a while listening to Castlemusic and smoking. It was the nicest because no one was around. I had sex on that same pier one summer long before I lived here, it was dark and we didn't realize there were tourists on the west side of the pier, possibly watching and probably embarrassed. We saw two of them pass us by later on and they looked through us like we were ghosts. Two summers ago we dove off the pier for the first and last time late at night, we did it because wine made us feel "brave" enough not to consider for a moment how dangerous it really was, and even though I got bruised all over from hitting the water it felt amazing! Now I take this place for granted.

It's real fall here today, windy and the water's pretty wild. There is something so calming about that kind of force. It makes me feel quiet and able to focus. This morning it also made me want to throw my phone and computer in the water. But then I remembered the sad truth (my life depends on them).

I heard that George Kuchar died last night, funny that wikipedia only caught on an hour ago. When Amy Winehouse died I bet they updated her file before some of her family members were notified. The first time I was introduced to Kuchar was at OCAD ten years ago with a hilarious short film titled "Hold Me While I'm Naked". You should watch too, it's will put you in a good mood (CLICK).

Also, listen to these songs by Jen Castle from two years ago, listen to them alone in a place where no one can bug you, like when you're in a bathtub with the door locked or when you ride your bike.

Thank you and goodbye.

2011-08-30T09:56:00.000-07:00

INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW TO SING

Begin by breaking all the mirrors in the house, let your arms fall to your side, gaze vacantly at the wall, forget yourself. Sing one single note, listen to it from inside. If you hear (but this will happen much later) something like a landscape overwhelmed with dread, bonfires between the rocks with squatting half-naked silhouettes, I think you'll be well on your way, and the same if you hear a river, boats painted yellow and black are coming down it, if you hear the smell of fresh bread, the shadow of a horse.

Afterwards, buy a manual of voice instruction and a dress jacket, and please, don't sing through your nose and leave poor Schumann at peace. - Julio Cortazar

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This day that started with small disasters - lost phones, bad dreams, uncooperative electronics, closed stores - was fully saved by one single trip to the library. In the fall of 2009 I decided to take a class with Christof Migone titled "Audio Art in the Visual Field: Strategies of Diffusion". I dropped the class two weeks later but the textbook became my favourite before-bed reading material. If you know me well enough you're probably aware of the fact that I almost never sing. It's strange because both my parents play instruments and sing, oftentimes together. It's cute. But there are some reasons for it, which I can elaborate on sometime in the future when we sit together face to face. I rarely do it in public or alone, in the shower, no "Happy Birthday", not to my favourite song on the radio... but I do now more than ever before. I sing when I ride my bike home alone late at night, because I feel scared and need to hear something other than the dark island silence. Also, to scare away the coyotes and ghosts!! Because of my weird relationship with my own voice I'm constantly fascinated by other voices and sounds. They're so tactile to me. You can close your eyes when you see something that frightens you but you can't shut your ears. Sounds are inside your head. I think that hearing is more intimate and private than watching. I tend to react to sounds with my entire body.

One of my biggest nightmares (and most of them are completely juvenile and irrational) is hearing a voice in my head that isn't mine. I'm terrified that one of those nights as I ride my bike alone in the dark I will hear a voice through my earphones that wouldn't come from my iPod. It will speak to me and I wouldn't be able to control it or shut it off. I know that the real fear behind it is of a loss of control over my own mind but while I'm comfortable with the idea of visual hallucinations, even imagining the sort of situation described above paralyzes me.

Steven Connor has an article about sound art titled "Ears Have Walls: On Hearing Art" that you should read (HERE). There is a chapter on "Immersion" that describes the capacity of sound to build and break down boundaries (and I read this in both the neg/pos way) because of its spatial nature, and our imagination. It's true, I've become more comfortable with my own voice over the years mostly due to having lots of musicians as friends, for whom that kind of expression is less precious, it's part of their everyday life. But I think that article describes exactly the reason why singing makes me nervous: because it merges the inside with the outside, it is participatory and revealing and I'm not ready to fully break those boundaries yet, it feels too intimate to share. One day. I'm going to tackle singing right after I tackle the English language! (See a few posts below).

Anyway, go to your library and get "Cronopios and Famas" by Julio Cortazar, it will make you feel so good. I spent all of yesterday reading a depressing book by Houellebecq (titled "Whatever", get it?!) and there was a quote that made me cringe, about a "mediocre" life wasted on nothing. It marred my entire day. Someone needs to give Houellebeqc a pep talk or a hug.

If you're in Montreal go to Scott Chandler's opening on Thursday at Les Territoires (CLICK). I've known Scott for many years, first at OCAD and then Concordia. He is incredible. Also go see Olga Chagaoutdinova's exhibition "In The Time Of Sakura" at Trois Points, it's in the same building (CLICK). She saved my life by keeping me sane on many occasions when I was this close to putting my fist through the computer monitor while printing photographs late at night (it was a hard year, what?!)

BYE GUYS!

2011-08-24T16:14:00.000-07:00

THE DUMP

Two nights ago Morley and I went to the tree graveyard to find nice looking wood for a sculpture. The tree graveyard is basically a beautiful secret dump on the island for all things organic and park-life related.

Like these giant rocks where did they come from?! Who knows. Everything that suddenly disappears on the island shows up here, big piles of it.

The other day I found a giant mound of freshly cut flowers so I borrowed a cart and dragged them back home. My studio smelled incredible! Until I woke up one morning and found out that our cat CJ peed all over my flowers. Jerk.

It got dark and scary very fast.

The kind of picture you take in the movies before something comes out of the darkness and mauls you.

Look at these psychedelic bee hives! The bees were just hanging out on the bottom of each hive. I was afraid to come near. Remember MacCaulay Culkin in 'My Girl'??!? No thanks.

Nature is so parasitic and scary sometimes. These are the roots of a freshly cut tree and there are already plants wrapping themselves around it, suffocating it.

Anyway forget the dump, this is getting boring.

Yesterday I read a great article about how people were born to run. In the old old ancient days before efficient killing tools were invented people used to single out large animals and chase them around until the animal got exhausted and fell over. Imagine if you had to do it now?! I'd do it. That kind of hunting must have required serious endurance. So anyone who says that jogging long distances is unnatural and is screwing up our bodies is full of shit. The difference is, barefoot running is a lot more gentle on the body than running while wearing a cushioned running shoe. We're basically pounding our bodies into the pavement because we can, now, because it feels soft.

Andrew Zukerman just moved to the island. Last night during the lightning storm everyone went out to watch it by the beach, including him, with no shoes on. I couldn't handle it and ran back inside screaming "I don't want to die yet!!" The sky was wild and I felt too fragile to let it last. Then we drank bourbon and watched "High Fidelity" for the twentieth time. I think that break up movies are my favourite movies, like break up songs they are somehow the most comforting. I can watch them a million times. Andrew agreed. Go listen to this song (CLICKKKK), I've listened to it on repeat all day. I'm going to shoot underwater videos right now!!!! Have a good day, friends.

2011-08-18T14:10:00.001-07:00

Whenever I read in bed I make sure to have a dictionary handy because even after more than a decade of living here I still encounter English words that I can't recall the meaning of. If I don't sleep alone I usually ask the person lying beside me about it. Only if they're a close friend and I trust them. I'm too proud. If it's an acquaintance that is staying over I pretend it's all good and fold the page corner. That's because deep down inside I'm afraid that my still-getting-to-know-me-pal will reject me based on our inability to fully use the same language. But that doesn't happen too too often. OH, ENGLISH. It will happen for us one day.

It sounds silly and defensive but language is fundamental, it means survival. As kids my siblings and I learned the new language in three months, more or less, while our parents stumbled over words and sentences for years and years, until the day we left the country. For us it was a source of embarrassment. For our parents it was a source of frustration and probably fear. Imagine not being able to read the labels at the supermarket or converse with anyone at your workplace for months or being able to explain the hospital attendant what is wrong with your daughter and why her heart is at four beats per second. It's terrifying. And it teaches you to be quiet and listen. I'm not a great listener yet (I like giving advice!) but I try my best.

This entire blog entry was supposed to be about rejection and ways of dealing with it but I got bored half way through writing it. Here's the short version, I scrapped the other five paragraphs: demystify the subject/object of your desire by removing feelings from the equation and try to figure them/it out using COLD LOGIC. If all else fails force yourself to get busy with something else and you will get over the rejection quickly. This entry is for Xenia and Toti and all my other friends who are intimate with the dictionary. See you later I love you!

2011-08-13T10:31:00.000-07:00

ALL CAPS FESTIVAL ON THE ISLAND TODAY, 4PM

JEN CASTLE AND I WILL RESURRECT ANA MENDIETA BY SETTING SOMEONE ON FIRE AT 6:45PM

THEN WE DRINK SANGRIA AND RELAX

SEE YOU THERE!

2011-08-08T21:29:00.000-07:00

NOVEMBER SWIMS VS WANDERER ABOVE THE SEA OF FOG

That painting is my favourite because it's a picture of how I feel all the time or at least how I always want to feel. The photograph of me on the log, on top, is eight by ten feet, it's my interpretation of Caspar Friedrich's Wanderer. I printed it on the Chromira at the Concordia colour darkroom late at night after struggling with the machine for over a month. It's in three long panels. Today I started a big project because long term projects are more fulfilling and I need to feel that kind of fulfillment now. It will be done next spring. B&W photographs, B&W video and one B&W sculpture. For now it's in my notebook.

Today I worked and listened to the radio - stories about London and Tel Aviv all day long and I know everyone everywhere so it all feels so close. I read about suicide tourism in Zurich and that guy in Sweden who built a nuclear reactor in his kitchen out of dismantled smoke detectors just to satisfy his curiosity. My hero! I also found a purple book on my shelf, it's one that Matt gave me as a present five years ago: "Mad Love" by Andre Breton. I opened it and on the first page was a little inscription and it reminded me the circumstances under which I had received the book. I'm going to read it before bed.

Good night.

2011-08-06T18:52:00.000-07:00

The other day I jumped off the boat while it was still moving fast (I was trying to dock it and didn't realize how fast we were moving) and my dress got caught on something and I flew head first into a concrete dock. It was so goddamn frightening and I was afraid to talk and couldn't feel my jaw for a while. We tried to call the paramedics on the island to see if I can come by for a quick check up, instead they sent a fire truck and an ambulance with a crew of eight people over to our house at midnight. Luckily I caught them mid way on my bike and explained that it's silly and apologized profusely (I think I was still in shock and embarrassed) and the nicest most comforting fireman ever examined me and reassured me that I won't die in my sleep. Regardless he slipped Jamie and Kathleen a note with the direct phone line to the firehall and told Jamie to wake me up every two hours. So neither of us really slept that night. Now I just have some headaches still and want to nap all the time but I feel okay. The worst part is when I imagine what could have happened if I had fallen face first, if my cheeks didn't break the fall or any of the horrific things you can think of. I'm already a hypochondriac so you can imagine what those visions do to me. I was so scared.

2011-08-03T18:41:00.000-07:00

Today I ran 11k through a storm and waves splashed over the stone wall and into my face. Running is my favourite part of the day. I ran on the wet boardwalk and listened to a radio show about ADHD and focus and meditation and then they got to this part in the middle where they gave a synopsis of the show and I got lost in thoughts (way to go guys, I'm obviously listening to a show about ADHD for a reason) and switched to this record (CLICK) which is the only record I want to listen to this week. Download it on that website, it's free, I like it so much.

I'm tan all over and my skin is peeling and it feels nice. Like shedding a layer. Tanning+physical activity=happy life, like a child or something. Even this rainy day reminds me of being a kid: with my brother and sister on the couch, home from school, watching Pet Sematary and sneaking cigarette drags while my mom's out walking the dog. It's what I always think about when it rains for the first time in weeks. Alright friends, good night.

2011-08-03T10:17:00.000-07:00

ON AUGUST 13 JEN CASTLE AND I WILL COLLABORATE ON A PROJECT. IT WILL TAKE PLACE ON THE ISLAND, AROUND 6PM. FOR INFORMATION SEE HTTP://WHIPPERSNAPPER.CA . IT WILL INCLUDE SOME OF THIS

Janine Antoni

Markus Leitsch

Ann Hamilton

Ana Mendieta

SEE YOU THERE

PS: PLEASE RECOMMEND A FAST AND EFFICIENT WAY TO KILL FLIES

2011-08-01T17:51:00.000-07:00

WORKING DAY AND NIGHT! THIS ONE'S ALL ABOUT THE BODY (MY BODY).

There's a scar on my chin from playing soccer when I was 10 but you probably can't see, it's shaped like a horseshoe, I've seen at least a couple of people with those. I guess they're common. Behind me there is part of a nonsensical list I wrote while having a bad panic attack (I will tell you in a moment).

Amy and Seth were here and brought me this amazing present!

I'm not sure whose jaw it used to be but it still smells like dirt and I love it

RENDERING FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME (WHILE AIRING MY ARMPITS BY THE FAN. GET OVER IT IT'S HOT TODAY).

IS IT DONE YET?! no.

#%$#^$%&$%#&*$^&*&(&*%($%#%$%^&*()&^%$#@

Next week I'm going get someone to tattoo a black monolith on my back. It will look sort of like that, we tried it out today with a piece of dark acetate. Yup, just a black rectangle, who cares.

Soooooo, I've been working non stop and worrying myself sick. Here's a funny story from a few days ago: I had a bad manic episode that peaked with me text messaging a friend saying "I want to punch a hole through the wall with my head" (I wasn't even feeling bad, but agitated) and then suggesting to Lisa that we should get a punching bag for the house. Then it was all over and I felt sleepy and then this thing happened and made me laugh so hard my panic disappeared in minutes. Read it and laugh. (HERE HERE HERE CLICK)

The other day my friend Jeff silkscreened some awesome Aliyah shirts (#1 fan!!!) to commemorate the 10th anniversary of her death and posted them on his blog and then suddenly found himself in a strange adventure hanging out with Drake at some recording studio at 4am (I guess Drake wanted a shirt?)??!??! OK maybe better read about it here http://mangopeeler.blogspot.com

Today I started reading a press release for this upcoming exhibition and the first sentence contained the words "whimsical" and "dark" and I stopped reading immediately BARF!! I truly can't stand the word "whimsical" that entire idea is wasted on someone like me.

Also today I've been listening to these two songs on repeat plus the MR "A Little Bit Of Hurt" compilation and working and swimming and eating plums and I got a decent tan and life is SWELL and now I'm going to the other side of the island to play/watch very drunk people playing BINGO. See you later friends!!! Listen to these two songs they're so nice.

2011-07-31T17:56:00.001-07:00

ISLANDED

Fire parade+bonfire two days ago. Fast forward to 2:42, what does it remind you of?

2011-07-11T20:16:00.001-07:00

HELLO AGAIN

Favourite thing to listen to right now. I'm working on something I'm really into and it's tough but I'm learning lots of new things and I love it. Will share soon. Good night!

2011-07-08T13:56:00.000-07:00

the days run away like wild horses over the hills

2011-07-07T17:22:00.000-07:00

THESE DAYS

work desk

BE NICE TO ME NOW I'M FEELING FRAGILE (in all caps)

Also I know it's old old news but this video always makes me feel so good. Bye!

2011-06-29T18:32:00.001-07:00

Pat Jeffries (and her band the Heretics, second from left), 1985. Pat is one of my favourite people, we completely agree on how we feel about most things in the world. She is an amazing painter who only recently decided that it's okay to take one day a week off work and if you're lucky she'll make you the best pie you'll ever taste. Knowing she's around makes me feel safe.

In other news, today I learned that no matter what their politics are, some people are really not into questioning the source of their rich friends' money, even when that source seriously conflicts with their values.

2011-06-28T11:46:00.000-07:00

Andrew Zukerman + Jacob Horwood = Gastric Female Reflex, five years ago, Montreal. Remember when everyone in Toronto was reeeeeeaaaaalllly into noise music? Look at Jacob's curly hair and glasses! Both of them still look the same (except later on Jacob really got into working out?!). I met Andrew in an Alternative Processes Photo class at OCAD, we were learning how to use the sandblaster and it was early in the morning and I had accidentally stabbed myself in the fleshy part of the arm with a brand new X-acto knife (sharp!). After fainting a bunch of times (onto people and in the hallway) I finally agreed to go to the hospital to get stitched up. He offered to come with me but I thought "What a weirdo who is this guy!!!" I thought he was trying to get out of class! But now I know better. Jacob used to date Zeesy and work at Queen Video and give me really awful movie recommendations, like stuff that gives you a panic attack within the first fifteen minutes. I'd be like: "I want something funny" and he'd give me a movie about a bunch of people starving during WWII.

If you have a chance to see Megan (U.S. Girls) play do it now! One oh my favourite things I've seen lately. She's also really into Tunnel of Love by Bruce Springsteen and I think she covers Two Faces sometimes live.

It's so hot on the island I'm melting.

Last night I went to lie down on the beach during a late night phone conversation (there is no reception anywhere in the building) and at least three fire-ants (probably more) were brave enough to munch on my skin. It was too dark to see so by the time I noticed it was too late. FROWN. Is there nothing that repels them?! If you know please share the information! There will be a prize.

2011-06-24T10:21:00.000-07:00

00:58 "If you had to, would you throw the frisbee to yourself every day?"

Saturday, 1pm, High Park.

More info here http://nuitblanchedevereaux.blogspot.com/

2011-06-23T20:54:00.000-07:00

I apologize in advance.

I will always lean toward the extreme in every situation. Because I get bored easily. Because I want to try anything I can in life and I think I deserve the freedom to do so. I will always disrespect "authority", power, money, especially if you amalgamate all three in one package, like the dude in a sharp black suit pushing through me at Union station with his "buddies", on their way to a lunch meeting. I don't expect to be respected by them either but it's totally okay, because they're scum. I'd like to say that it's not political at all, because this is how I remember feeling my entire life, but it probably is. I hate the police and I hate the government, I hate rich people and banks and universities but I love my professors and I love learning new things. But it's not a big deal, at least half of the world hates all those things. I think: "This is all so trivial" but how depressing is it to make that statement when the sentiments I express are so resentful, why should it be a triviality in anyone's life?

My brother wears a suit to work and he is a sweetheart and I love him to death. He works at a highly secured place where he has to get his retina scanned in order to get into certain parts of the building. I thought it was a joke but it's serious. But, he also cares about our family and friends, about my parents' puppy, about the time we spend together. He drives me to the metro when I don't want to take the bus and makes sure he plays music I'd enjoy listening to in the car and sometimes he cooks for us when I'm home. He falls asleep on the couch at midnight and there are cartoons on TV (my favourite). Ten years ago we used to watch marathons of Woody Allen movies while lying on our carpeted living room floor, before our furniture arrived in Canada, and smoke cigarettes and laugh until my face hurt. Our lifestyles are drastically different now yet somehow we’re capable of mutually respecting most of our choices. When the suits at Union push me aside I imagine their sisters and mothers and hometowns and think of how different it could have been had we been related. But then again, that is also exactly what I try to imagine when I think about rapists and murderers. So what now?

So now there are things that are meaningful to my life and they have very little to do with what I'm supposed to "aspire to" but they keep everything together like glue and make it alright. Like my family, my friends and "just spending time" and witnessing extraordinary things, although simple experiences can be great too: black birds flying over the lake, waking up at dawn and riding a bike across town on very little sleep but with lots of adrenaline, hard work, then even harder work, personal goals, sharing meals, communal living, bodies and nudity, helping and listening and feeling needed, late night swims, watching plants grow, knowing what you want, thinking in bed alone, being in love, feeling hurt. I enjoy a good struggle because sometimes it can teach you a lesson. Sorry for the sappy-fest, all I wanted to say is that it's ok to make mistakes and constantly restructure the way I feel about the world because the world and I aren't static. Good night.

2011-06-21T21:35:00.000-07:00

Fire by the Eastern Gap let's go

What happens in my bedroom late at night

Matt practices his moves

Island geese I was going to kill one last winter but I don't know how to cook it. Do you?

Walking the swamps of Charleston Lake with Matt Cully.

What the water looks like when I stand on a tall rock

Nif D (Matt Smith) and Rob Gordon

OCAD in the courtyard having a sandwich looking at the sky

Gastric Female Reflex. Andrew Zukerman looks like John Travolta, I realized the other day (the dimple).

The mirror is crooked but I like it better this way

Magical spot magical stump

magical creatures running around

Eric Chenaux and his double (left)

Zeesy Powers getting intimate with nature

I'm getting intimate with nature but this time in a real forest

Angry dog, Waverly and Bernard

The Laurentians after a good meal skipping over puddles with an umbrella

Why stop camping? Let's forage.

Windy day sisters

Who needs LSD when it rains

Watching the river. Look, at least I'm wearing sandals.

2011-06-14T11:09:00.000-07:00

Old friends practicing at my old house. Steve, Matt, Misha, Neil, Andrew, Christianne, Taylor, 2008.

I've moved between ten and fifteen times in the past four years. Sometimes I feel like it's just a natural consequence of the "immigrant mentality" but then other times I feel like it makes me crazy.

In any case, sadness gone, I am now back to work. Hormones have so much power! At least for most of us it's temporary.

2011-06-13T09:54:00.000-07:00

Being told off for no reason

Aftermath. Tel Aviv 2001

When I feel sad or worried I like to recall all the bad incidents in my life, one by one. It doesn't even have to be my life. Anything would do. If I'm upset I suddenly want to read awful sensationalist news in that paper you can get for free on the subway, or look deep into people's faces and realize how tired and miserable they are, remember a story told to me by a sad man about his recently deceased dog and think of my own dear old dead dog, remind myself how it felt to be rejected by someone I love, listen to sad songs, Prince and Nico and L. Cohen, think of my fragile body and brain and mistakes and losses. I don't want to see anyone or talk. It's a trick and it works. I push my sadness to the limit because then just like that it disappears. I rarely feel sad and when I do, I have no patience for it, it's unproductive. I will always try to push it out of my life using any means I can. Just to be clear, if you're my friend I'm totally one hundred percent cool with your sadness and I will always listen to you and try to help you. I know that I have double standards when it comes to feelings and vulnerability. But it's okay because we all have double standards and we should just accept them as a fact of life.

Here's something you can do if you want to help: please email me your favourite poem at tindronomel@gmail.com

Thanks and bye bye bye

2011-06-11T08:33:00.000-07:00

Taking the boat out for the first time! I was busy jogging all day so that's me eating my dinner in the middle of the lake like a fancy lady. Yesterday I ran twice, once in the morning with Krys Verrall and then in the evening again with Depeche Mode and Black Flag and Simone Schmidt's voice in my ears.

This summer will be really great. How can it not be?

2011-06-09T21:06:00.000-07:00

Morley and I became friends a couple of years ago because we were both interested in the Don Valley and the people who lived there, in shacks, all along the river. We both sort of expressed a mutual desire to become drifters, but with laptops. By the time I was ready to start working on the Don Valley project he'd already moved on to filming lights and fountains in shopping malls, that's how fast he works. He quickly became one of my favourite artists. You should come to his opening tonight to see why!! I'm not really sure what will happen tonight, except that it will be mosyly paintings. I find pretty much every thing produced by him to be very special and beautiful. June 10, 7pm-10pm at PPSPS, 980 Queen W.

Here's some of Morley's older work.

2011-06-07T13:51:00.001-07:00

Time flies when you're having fun.

Today I mixed tahini into my miso dressing and thought of Barb Lindenberg.

2011-06-01T21:11:00.000-07:00

I'm flying down my list of tasks. That's what happens when I wake up at 7am. So much motivation!!!

The only two records I've been listening to to in the past two weeks are One Hundred Dollars and Jen Castle. Jen and I will work on an installation/performance here on the island in August. It will be loosely based on /influenced by the work of our favourite female performance artist/sculptor. Super excited.

Our house is slowly filling up with the best people, I feel very lucky.

Is passive-aggressive behaviour a North American invention or what? It's exhausting to be so polite all the time. Would people judge me that hard if I just said what I meant? Also, do I really care? A week or so ago during dinner a friend of mine said "I don't have time for manners, if you have manners people just spit on you more." It's sooooo true. Maybe they wouldn't spit on you but they'd certainly take advantage of it. Look at me I'm engaging in passive aggressive behaviour right now!

2011-05-31T19:06:00.000-07:00

I'm going to let my hair grow long. I don't know why I hated it so much, it was so soft and wavy. This time next summer it will be that long ^^^^^^.

Today I received some truly disturbing news that I'm trying hard not to think about. But then, hours later, on the back porch during sunset we combined our "life goals" and suddenly I felt really good, almost like getting a promising work contract that trumps most, if not all sadness. The act of making a list of mutual goals is almost as important as the person you write it with. The right partner will always try to propel you forward in order to push themselves (it's the only type of co-dependency I fully approve of).

2011-05-30T09:59:00.000-07:00

BEST THING TO COME BACK HOME TO

All photos from Facebook, commentary later, I gotta run.

2011-05-27T21:47:00.000-07:00

photobooth over the years PART I

Fell asleep in the middle of a fancy dinner party

Pat grew a beard

Chatroulette first thing in the morning

Just kidding I'm skyping a friend!

Who said I don't cry

Uh oh Nikki

Late nights at OCAD

Tired editing

It's where we live

Pals drawing pals

Writing a shitty essay until 6am 2008

Beautiful lilacs at garden house in the spring

Sarah and I's island studio! I'm overreacting as usual.

Patrick likes to impress the ladies yes!

Winter biking

Wait maybe it's spring?

This sums up our relationship nicely

Look who made an appearance!

We only hang out in the kitchen

Uh oh someone burned toast?!

Visitations

The hottest summer ever

So hot we got a $14 kiddie pool at Canadian Tire and drank whiskey in it all day!

Making sure squirrels don't invade the kiddie pool

Hello TWINS

Last fall we hung Sarah Mangialardo's show in the middle of a heatwave

PART II WILL COME SOON I HAVE TO GO TO A PICNIC BYE!

2011-05-19T19:28:00.000-07:00

I like how David Altmejd rolls clear plastic, tapes it to a light table and from far away they look like stalactites / stalagmites that grow out of grey and white rectangular caves. It's so simple.

I love looking at his work because it's seductive and mesmerizing but that's also why I hate it. Feels like nothing but aesthetics. Plexi and mirrors blowing smoke.

2011-05-18T19:01:00.001-07:00

Everything used to be different, every little thing.

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Last night we watched Gummo and Buffalo 66 back to back and talked openly and honestly and then I cried. Today I rode my bike whilst listening to the new One Hundred Dollars record and saw old friends. Tomorrow what?

"Now what"

"I don't know"

I'm torn.

2011-05-11T20:42:00.000-07:00

My little silicone toes. I want to get rid of all the body parts that I produced a while back because there is no way I'm ever going to show any of that again. It's done!

The other day Pat said that Geoff never makes extra editions of prints even though he can probably sell them. I like that. I think that everything you show should be new, I have a mind to destroy all of my old work but I know that in a few years I'll probably regret it just like I regretted throwing out all those letters last year. So I'll keep it, in secret. Except the body parts, I want them gone.

They've been stolen and returned twice, I did some serious detective work to find them, wrote three very angry public letters, and then some less angry private ones, remember how NOW magazine urged one of the thieves to return the stolen foot on Halloween?! And the public shaming on Stillepost of the guy who stole one of my heads at EMN ???! I found him through facebook pictures, thanks facebook. I couldn't believe I actually found them and got them back. Anyway, it's so done.

Oh Lorazepam you work your charms quicker than I remembered. Good night.

2011-05-09T09:53:00.000-07:00

A dream come true on a Sunday afternoon.

"I'm just riding a magical purple dress creature"

"Please don't"

Happy birthday!

I'm going to Toronto tomorrow to work on a million things and today I woke up with a sore throat. Typical.

It seems like breaking into cars is very popular in Montreal: two days ago Xenia and I saw a car with a broken window across from 55 Van Horne. I ran home to call the police (the car still had lots of stuff in it) and they said they'd send someone to check on it. We walked by yesterday and the car was still there but all the stuff was gone. Obviously the police were too busy with other important tasks like harassing homeless people. Then today we saw another car on Esplanade, front window broken but looks like nothing was taken. I didn't call the cops this time. Two years ago Taylor came to play a show in Montreal and while he was performing in some shitty bar on St Laurent (actually it was Bar St Laurent) someone broke into his car to steal his backpack full of clothes. They were obviously very special clothes to be worth the $600 he spent fixing his window.

Anyway I'm just bitter because I think I'm getting a cold.

Xenia to Sarah, yesterday: "Be careful not to get my sister sick, she takes it very personally and gets reeeeally mad." Me: "It's true."

2011-05-07T13:48:00.000-07:00

Uuh I'm pretty sure I've seen Katie and Maya do the same thing they do at 2:20 in real life once a few summers ago on a drive to Sackville New Brunswick (sorry guys)! I remember it well because I was mortified: Janna was driving 150 through a thunderstorm and we spent so many hours on the road, in the dark, and there was generally lots of joke (and serious) fighting and screaming in the car, good and bad. Have you even gone on a road trip with 5 women? It's intense! But also the best ever. I read The Sun Also Rises cover to cover and played lots of Tetris. When we reached Quebec City at almost 2am it was cold and wet and everyone was hungry, we paid for one hotel room and then snuck into it all together and I fell into a comatose sleep on the floor in my sleeping bag.

Really I just wanted an excuse to say that I've known Katie for many years and she's probably one of the only people I know who figured out early what they want from life and then they did it. And look at her now?! Holy shit. It's incredible and rare, and as someone who frequently flip flops through my decisions I think I respect that more than anything.

2011-05-06T08:08:00.000-07:00

It's sunny and it feels like that Bradbury story "All Summer in a Day" where the sun comes out for one day only every 7 years and when it does some nasty kids lock their classmate in a closet until the sun disappears again. Except, I'm going out to the mountain right now for the longest jog ever and I promise not to spend a moment more indoors than I absolutely need today. I need to soak in enough vitamin D to make up for a week's worth of disgusting greyness!

Listen to this nice song, Jen Castle, "Poor As Him", it's about her dad. Jen will play a show in Montreal on May 15th at the Silver Flag. Projections by Victoria Cheong the one and only. The second video is for One Hundred Dollars who will release a new record at the Great Hall inToronto on Friday (May) the 13th. I will see you there.

Jen and Simone at the Blue Fog Revue last year

Alright see you later

2011-05-05T18:48:00.000-07:00

Whenever I feel down I usually only need to remind myself that I'm surrounded by such loving, talented friends and it instantly gets a bit less lonely and scary. But today it's been tough to convince myself. The sky's been crying for days in Montreal with greys and blues all over the place and I'm terrible at asking for help even when I'm really really sad. Sad and disappointed. On days like this I hate living alone.

I've been looking at Anna Atkins' cyanotype photograms and listening to James Klassen all evening. It's 10pm and I'm drinking coffee. Who needs to sleep anyway. Here let me show you, listen to this too

Anna Atkins invented the cyanotype photographic process in 1842.

She was a botanist and the first woman photographer.

She was also the first person ever to release a photographic book.

What I've been listening to all day (link): (and good night to you, friends)

2011-05-03T11:46:00.000-07:00

I'm going to make a new zine for July, titled "Filled With Secrets". It will be pretty saucy, maybe a bit weird, lots of tentacles all over the place, blind night creatures, the "Natural World". If you want to participate (nudity will be involved in some capacity) or if you just want to know where to get one: tindronomel@gmail.com. Anyone welcome to participate. It will be b&w, around 40 pages.

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There are some things you can do to make yourself feel better about the current situation, it just depends on how you want to approach it. If you want to try a "formal" solution, sure you could write your MP and tell them your concerns (link), like that you hope they place electoral reform at the top of their agenda (that seems to be the problem) when they get back to parliament, tell your friends and family to write as well, and hope for the best. There are also lots of great informal ways to express your anger. Just use your imagination and stay safe.

Don't be depressed, it will be okay! This will pass too.

Here's a song for you from Maddie. Love.

PS Happy birthday Morley!!

2011-05-02T10:21:00.000-07:00

Everything will always look and feel similar, admit it, accept it, don't fight it.

Clare Samuel, 2008. Why was my face so skeletal?! Why didn't anyone tell me?!?

Meera Margaret Singh, Harbinger, 2007-2010

Clare Samuel, It Is Still, 2008

Jusepe de Ribera

Kazuo Ohno

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I hate to admit it but I don't think any of us can afford to feel possessive of ideas anymore. It's unproductive and makes us waste too much time on unnecessary anger and jealousy. I used to get so riled up over "intellectual theft" which sometimes could be as simple as coincidental (or not!!) aesthetic/conceptual similarities within a small group of people. The truth is, when I see someone using my ideas in a different context I get worried that they will do a better job at it than I ever can. That my ideas will become theirs. And vice versa - everyone's constantly tiptoeing around each other's work, like we're all so brilliant and original, as if! "Authenticity" is sort of a joke. We're bound to steal from others if we work in close proximity to each other. I've done it, most everyone I know has done it. There is one catch though: you should at least try to make it "your own" and be able to back it up. Otherwise you're just a thief. Which is OK, if that's what you're into.

I'm going to completely ignore the news, listen to some Tchaikovsky, run up the mountain and back, paint.

Please stop telling me to vote today, voting only feels right if you have someone to vote for. Also, I find millions of people cheering about one person's death like it's some sort of a milestone awful and disturbing. That being said, you should check out Sohaib Athar's twitter (link). So far it's the only report that I feel is significant. To imagine a situation like that - and how ubiquitous it is -you hear commotion in the middle of the night and pass it off as probably nothing serious while in reality it is a terrible and sneaky violence and it's occurring right next door: that really scares me. FYI: the other night in my dream Osama wrote me a love poem and now he's dead. I should have transcribed it and sold it on ebay.

2011-04-27T15:01:00.000-07:00

If you're in Toronto tonight, I urge you to attend this screening by Zeesy Powers. Zeesy's been a very dear friend of mine for many years and this project she's working on is really important. The screening tonight is free and you need to see it. Besides, everyone you know will probably be there anyway.

7:30pm

The Toronto Underground Cinema

186 Spadina Ave (just north of Queen St W)

Toronto, ON

Whippersnapper Gallery and Zeesy Powers are excited to announce the Premier of 'Subjects' at the Toronto Underground Cinema on April 27th -Doors at 7:30, show time 8:00pm
Admission is free -

2011-04-26T08:37:00.001-07:00

One positive aspect of growing up a bit is knowing what you want or what you like. I'm naturally drawn to sources of information that expose a different, shadier side of an idea that I aspire to, or a person I admire. I want to admire but at the same time I want to destroy them completely so that they have no power over me. It's easy to be idealistic in theory. It's even easier to change your mind and move on to the next idea once you find a flaw in what you believe in.

I'm reading the Bolano book about Infrarealism, which should be right up my alley. It's supposed to be about poetry, socialism, violence, shoplifting, promiscuity. Infrarealism was meant to encourage Latin American youths to blur the lines between life and literature by exciting the kind of fiery idealism I usually find attractive. In reality the book is about poverty and drugs, disease, cockroaches and disillusionment, it's all pretty depressing. It's becoming a theme with me, with what I find interesting, looking for the cracks to bring down the most beautiful ideas.

A few months ago Geoff Pugen showed me this video titled "This is Alaska". It was difficult to watch because it reminded me of our life on the island this past winter. It's hard to suddenly realize that you're in it for the long haul. Everyone around you tries to keep positive but many days you feel trapped and lonely and nature's closing in on you. It was very dark on the island in the winter, darker than I've ever seen winters be, I don't know if I can ever do it again. Despite making amazing friends / family.

You should watch the entire thing because it is finally online. And then listen to the song underneath, I've been listening all yesterday, I truly love it. We're driving back to Montreal now, have a nice end of April, friends.

2011-04-25T09:49:00.001-07:00

This is what happened last night - the best I've had in years.

M. came to visit me on the island. It was dusk and dark blue light through the trees and I had to pack my suitcase but he made me an omelette and insisted that I eat it right there. Before I could take a bite the omelette started singing the Cure to me, this song. It kept singing while I was eating it, M. was laughing, I was laughing too.

I am reading two books right now, one is by Roberto Bolano, who I was very suspicious of for a long time. It's because two summers ago everyone was reading The Savage Detectives and wouldn't shut up about it and I always feel wary of popular books/music. Last night I read the final interview Bolano gave (to Playboy?!) and this stuck out: "I have hope in children. In children and warriors. In children who fuck like children and warriors who fight like brave men."

The other book I'm reading is Pet Sematary. It's a kids book, right? My brother and sister and I used to own Pet Sematary on VHS, it was the 1990s. We watched it dozens of times until it stopped being scary. It became an obsession...I'm sure our friends thought it was weird at the time but the three of us were so into it that they never openly judged us. I want to say that I'm reading Stephen King books for research purposes but that would probably be a lie. I just want to read the damn thing.

2011-04-23T09:36:00.000-07:00

I don't have a bike in Toronto so the other day I walked over 12k. It feels good who needs running! We helped Xenia move to a beautiful house in the market and then at night had the first in a series of Easter dinners with amazing turkey and good pals and rye&sodas and rain outside and a two year old kid named Axl. And now it's real spring out but I have to be in a dark room editing all day so I hope you enjoy it for me. SOME SONGS! Love, bye.

2011-04-21T09:13:00.001-07:00

A few weeks ago I installed one of my Yuulas at 1313 in Parkdale for this series Xenia's curating? So last night before bed I glance over the news page of a magazine and see this:

"Police were called to investigate a report of a “dead body” last week in the (1313) Window Box Gallery window on Queen West but it was only art – Yuula Benivolski’s ultra-realistic sculpture installation of a homeless person."

HAHAHA, aw.

And this is why my friends are the best.

2011-04-19T09:30:00.000-07:00

The 1980s were an intense time to be living in Moscow. Even (especially) for a kid.

These things mean everything to me, that's why I never share them here. But let me give you a little culture lesson about some good stuff that transpired at the time.

Yanka Dyagileva was a young poetess /musician from Novosibirsk, Siberia who managed to produce a small amount of records, all released after her death. She was also the lover and friend of Yegor Letov of "Civil Defense" (pictured).

She lived with her dad in a one story wooden house with no indoor plumbing. In May 1991 she went out for a walk and a smoke and disappeared. Her body was found a week later in the Inya river. She was 24 and depressed at the time of her death.

Her death was registered as suicide but I guess there were rumours that she could have been killed because of the open anti government sentiments in her songs. Most of her work at the time was published by Magnitizdat (illegal self recording/distribution to avoid political censorship, sort of like Samizdat but for music).

http://yanka.lenin.ru/ <<< is mostly in Russian but if you can get through it there's a great archive of photo/music files.

Yanka Dyagileva: For a Rainy Day

Yanka & the Great October Revolution: On the Train Tracks

Yegor Letov was also a poet and musician from Siberia. He's the founder of Grazhdanskaya Oborona (Civil Defense) or GrOb, which means "coffin" in Russian.

In the mid 1980s shortly after GrOb came to exist Letov was thrown into a mental asylum by the KGB for inciting riots and anti communist lyrics

he was administered anti-psychotic drugs that he said gave him "blind spells".

As soon as he was released from the hospital he promptly wrote a song called "Everything's Going According to the Plan" about "grandpa Lenin rotting in his mausoleum".

Yegor Letov and Yanka Dyagileva. Apparently he was an awful friend and lover to her, which was the main reason for her depression. But regardless, here listen to this nice song (linkkkk), it's my favourite performed by both of them. It's called "Poppyseed Bagel//May Day"

In the mid 90s after the official fall of the USSR he went insane with nostalgia and became one of the co-founders of Nazbol (National Bolshevik Party) with Alexandr Dugin and Eduard Limonov??!

Yegor Letov died of heart failure in his sleep in 2008, he was 43.

Alexandr Bashlachev produced a pile of poetry between 1984 and 1987. He was a lyrical genius, his songs and poems mostly about an "authentic" Russian moral life, about the times before Tsar Peter I brought Western bureaucracy to Russia, laying the foundations to the Soviet regime and trampling the traditions of Russian culture.

In 1988 he completely stopped making new work, refused to perform and eventually "fell" from the window of the ninth floor of his Leningrad apartment, he was 27.

Bashlachev playing a kvartirnik (house show). Music was under extreme censorship so musicians often played shows in their own homes to a small group of friends.

You can read some of his poetry here (link) but it's a pretty gruesome amateur translation by the person who owns the website. It's only the only translation available online so I guess you have no choice.

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I was a kid then, and hearing or reading about those times today makes me feel a sense of belonging that is difficult to feel where I am right now. Of course, I probably won't stop thinking about it for the rest of my life.

There you go. If you got this far down - I'm going to be in Toronto tomorrow. I want to see you! Bye.

2011-04-16T12:25:00.000-07:00

When we were on the island together C said this to me about her recent break-up: "it all feels very human" and I admired how strong she was to get out of her body and head and assess the situation like that. It helps. So many negative feelings in the world, how do you navigate through them.

I got some camel hair brushes from the store at Concordia and picked up my MFA diploma. One year after graduating. Please someone come over and bring me a popsicle.

2011-04-14T13:34:00.000-07:00

*Stills by Eija-Liisa Ahtila

A friend of mine asked me to show him some video art I like. He wants to learn more about it and I enjoy show-and-tells so it works out for both of us. Last night we watched the entirety of Eija-Liisa Ahtila's video works (up until 2002). The stories she tells are about intense inner conflicts and are often told through a very subjective female perspective. Sincere, sometimes unflattering and disturbing.

A while ago Helena and I talked about our inability to watch films in which violence is committed against women while in the company of our male partners, or any male friends, because it puts us in a defensive mood. Kind of like "How dare you sit here and watch this with me, are you secretly enjoying this?!" etc etc... the feeling probably comes out of fear that the people we trust have the potential to turn into the monsters we see on screen and from the experience of dealing with unwanted male attention. I'm telling you this because last night when my friend asked me what Ahtila's films were about I felt a bit upset. While I clearly knew the answer inside, I couldn't articulate it - maybe because it felt so familiar. The film was about female anxiety. Her characters' idiosyncratic, at times almost psychotic behaviour looked bizarre on film but I knew that in reality those events are just something that happens. And when it happens in real life it's quiet, unnoticeable and doesn't really feel that bizarre or unusual at all. I felt upset when I couldn't explain that on the spot and a bit ashamed, almost as if my identifying with the women was something to be worried about.

Next up: Richard Kerr, Coco Fusco, Guillermo Gomez-Pena

In other news: this morning's been all about catching up with a good pal on another continent. And this (link)

and that:

2011-04-12T21:50:00.001-07:00

My first name spelled in my first language.

After a month of waiting for a friend to do it I eventually cut my own hair. It was easy! This is my method: I cut it until it feels safe and then I go a bit overboard, to feel a difference. Otherwise the next day I forget I forget that I cut it at all.

This is sort of personal but last night in my dream I was living on the island and I had a 5 year old kid. It was a boy. He was rambunctious, we hung out together in the water and he scared all the big fish away while I was fishing. We were packing up my studio to move to Montreal and I sat him in my lap and put his shoes on and he said to me "Mommy, now that I can speak in full sentences do you think it's time for me to get my own passport?"

I am saying YES to so many projects to complete in the next few months but what other option do I have? I want to do it all.

2011-04-10T13:55:00.000-07:00

Cards today: not great but looking up.

PAST-THREE OF CUPS: Bursting with energy, celebrating, friendship, community, working together, overflowing with high spirits

CURRENT-NINE OF WANDS: Defensiveness, feeling guarded, defending yourself, taking extra precautions, keeping your resolve

FUTURE-EIGHT OF PENTACLES: Diligence, learning a new skill, approaching a task methodically, being absorbed in a project, working hard, producing steady results

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Anyone know anything about Murray Favro? He is a Canadian sculptor from London, Ontario. I saw some pictures of his work at Christopher Cutts' website but can't really find much more information online.

I'm going to borrow "The Heart is a Lonely Hunter" from Sarah and read it over the following week. I didn't bring any books with me here and it feels too quiet without them.

2011-04-09T20:12:00.000-07:00

New work spot

Shamelessly borrowing books

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I forgot how cheap it is to feed yourself in Montreal. Walked through Jean Talon market with Josh today, got a basket of Quebec apples, a basket of broccoli and an avocado, all for $4. They still have the sticky maple taffy on ice, I wasn't in the mood today but I think tomorrow I'll walk over there and get one.

2011-04-07T12:01:00.000-07:00

If you have a sister, you should definitely spend an hour at least every other morning talking to her, it'll make you feel gooooood. Hi. I'm in Montreal. I got here last night, dropped off my suitcase and walked over to the old house to say hello (and eat Sarah's delicious tomato and rice soup--ulterior motive, ha!). I missed it so much, including the part where it's 1am and the five of us almost fall asleep crammed on Sarah's couch. More on that later! In the meantime, would you like to come to this opening with me today, 6pm Les Territoires at the Belgo building.

LOVE AND WAR

Guillaume Simoneau

Thur April 7th 6pm

372 Sainte Catherine West, suite 527

http://www.simoneauguillaume.com/

2011-04-04T11:05:00.001-07:00

Geoff Pugen and I made this video for Owen Pallett's "The Great Elsewhere". It's finally done and out. I hope you like it. Pretty much the entire thing was shot on the island over December and January. Geoff keeps telling me it's about nothing but for me it's about many things: someone that's there but isn't there, being on the verge of something without actually entering it, transformation, discovering nature, being alone, otherworldly places. The song feels very cyclical, I think we felt it before sort of subconsciously, that's why everything in it keeps going around in circles. You can go to Owen's vimeo account to watch the HD version.

So, last night it snowed and today it's warm enough to wear a t-shirt out. How does that make you feel?

2011-04-03T12:05:00.001-07:00

On Wednesday I'm moving to Montreal for two months to work on a video and some illustrations. I didn't write about it until now because I haven't told that many people in real life. I found a beautiful sublet in Mile End. It's this woman's house (link), she is a filmmaker who made a really great documentary about Delia Derbyshire (link) two years ago. She's been incredibly sweet despite all my schedule changes and it's seems like such a nice little house. On Thursday I packed up my entire studio and put everything in storage so someone else could move in while I'm gone. It was a bit sad, I even cried. For someone who moves as frequently as I do, I have a lot of books. See you in June, Toronto friends.

2011-03-31T14:18:00.000-07:00

Spring Solstice fire on Ward's island, 21 March. 20 ft fire anyone? *Both photos by David Hanes.

It's real spring here on the island and all the icebergs have melted. Despite our planning, we've only skated twice this winter. It's easier to plan to go out in -20 C weather than to actually do it.

Yesterday's sleepy-streetcar conversation (the sound and slow movement of the streetcar usually put me in a trance) made me realize that I might actually miss North York. I found myself having such feelings of longing as I described G. Ross Lord park that I almost felt shocked with myself.

I spent the first three weeks in Canada sitting in my dark bedroom, smoking cigarettes, not eating and recording an audio diary. It was dreadful in every way. I've never encountered a suburb up until that point and Torresdale Ave was a forest of high-rises surrounded by shopping plazas. I instantly noticed a foreign smell in our new house, I can't really describe it but it could have been the smell of wall-to-wall carpeting and extra large pepperoni pizza. It was our first meal. We were all very tired and the dog frantically ran from one room to another. I refused to go outside. While my brother and sister explored the nearby park I sat in my room day after day methodically writing letters (pen and paper), recording my cracking voice and reading the Toronto Star, which was available for sale in the foyer of our building. This is what I learned from the Star: some people in Toronto kill themselves by jumping in front of the subway train, Canadians are REEEEALLLY into beer, some people actually get shot in my own neighbourhood and the columnists here are almost sickeningly polite.

Anyway, who cares, right? First reflections of an immigrant.

But I remember two things in particular:

1) One very hot night I finally decided to venture out and walk the dog with my parents at the G. Ross Lord park. It had just rained and the air was moist and I was blown away by the smell and heaviness. I felt like I could taste the air. It smelled like tree sap mixed with dog hair and rotting wood. Tiny rain droplets sparkled on individual blades of grass and the sky was dirty pink and I chased our dog in the baseball diamond between the rafters and felt good for the first time in weeks. I remember going home with a smile.

2) The hydro field directly across from my parents' house on Torresdale, the one by Westminster Memorial Gardens. I have multiple journal entries on the act of crossing the hydro field: about the humming sounds of electricity overhead, blooming dandelions, kids playing soccer until after dark, ringing bells and the constant fear of being raped or murdered or both while walking home alone at night.

All the things I used to hate about North York are what I miss right now. I miss those things because inadvertently they represent some sort of a history for me and the particularities of my North York experience make it more real, almost sensual, like if I try really hard I can smell the carpets again and the dampness of the river and imagine the way wet grass felt brushing against my limbs that night, now over ten years ago. It's better to have some history than no history at all.

Let's ride our bikes up there please. Before I leave.

Happy Spring

2011-03-23T10:56:00.000-07:00

Favourite videos recently made by friends/for friends.

So many Toronto babes. It's sad how youtube blurred out any hints of nudity in Katie's (AUSTRA) video, including Julia's side boob (really?!), considering how much vile/racist/violent garbage is out there that they don't mind at all hosting.

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I think I need a break from something, I just have to find out what it is. My head's been hurting for six days now and on Friday I almost puked while brushing my teeth in the morning. I'm lying here on the couch with my parents' puppy, we're watching an episode of ART 21 on the PBS website and it feels pretty good. I'm drinking a berry-walnut smoothie and the puppy is sleep-barking every once in a while. I can't remember the last time I had a headache, it must have been years. What's up body?! I wish I could just ask like that and get an easy answer.

What is your biggest fear? I have two: losing my health/sanity and being mediocre.

Marlaina Read is my friend from Australia and one of my favourite photographers. She just had her thesis show yesterday, I'm sure it was incredible. We've known each other on the interwebbs for ten years and finally met around this time last year when she came to visit me in Montreal. I liked her even more in person. You should go to her website, now (link) or just look at some of my favourite photographs by her:

Good day.

2011-03-21T20:26:00.000-07:00

Tonight

There was a huge island fire, I filmed it and got to throw at least one xmas tree into it

and then I drunkenly made a fool of myself on the phone .

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Enough garbage. Recently I've tried to describe to a stranger what kind of art I like. I said, "Somewhere between pictures of majestic icebergs and people accidentally peeing themselves in a large room, there's me."

Mike Blount

Noah Kalina

Lynn Davis

Taiyo Kimura

2011-03-12T13:12:00.000-08:00

What I'm listening to

What I'm looking at

Fiona Annis

Dan Siney (Dan lived with us last fall and will again this summer. He's very multi-talented)

Journée des Barricades 1588

Journée des Barricades, 2008

The Black Cloud, Heather & Ivan Morison, 2009

Artur Zmijewski

Francesca Woodman. My favourite is the one with the door.

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Went to bed at 5am. Lots to think about, hello quiet Saturday.

2011-03-11T14:42:00.000-08:00

What I miss when I'm away from home:

Bajillion vitamins first thing in the morning

Jacky's freshly roasted coffee beans, still warm. I usually chuck a few right into my mouth and chew them. Yup. Delicious.

In bloom. This orchid is legendary. It has even more flowers this time around.

So tired I'm sleepwalking all over the building in my big wooly socks. Lots of places to fall asleep.

Dirty spring colours outside and lots of dripping sounds

The truth is I've been busy, happy and a little bit sick and it bored me to look at the internet. Hello friends! Hi! Last night was BYOB (link) at TPW and it was pretty insane. And by that I mean, I'm not epileptic but standing in the middle of all the projections made me feel like I may as well be.

I used to consider Canadian politics to be harmless and kind of laughable. Partly because I was young and arrogant and watched the Parliament channel for fun where people were always graceful and restrained, even when in the midst of a "heated argument" about parking spots. So courteous! But now I know it's a lie because they're all dirty lying snakes and actually very dangerous people. Cool.

Please come to this performance tomorrow at XPACE and watch the video I posted in the end. It's a Russian animation based on "There Will Come Soft Rains" by Ray Bradbury. I used to love it as a kid.

2011-03-07T19:53:00.000-08:00

AMAZING WOMEN 1

Delia Derbyshire

2011-03-02T15:07:00.000-08:00

HELLO FRIENDS. Here are some pictures from Sunday. If you missed it I'm sorry to say it will never happen again! We destroyed our alter egos while Leah sang "Let's Kill Oursleves Together" on the beach and it was pretty epic, there were so many people, I cried and smiled. Then later everyone left and we sat on the front porch with Ian and Barb and it kind of felt like spring, I didn't even wear a jacket. How nice! Also Lisa and I are no longer married, I'm a free woman, wink. All photos are by Kevin Marchand.

Lisa's all white and I'm all black like a shadow and going to Canadian Tire to buy a gallon of kerosene was fun.

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I just saw that Fifth Estate episode about the G20 and watching Bill Blair lie feels like a joke, he's a joke. A dumb, laughable joke. It was also disappointing that so many people interviewed were basically saying how they were passerbys and not protesters, as if there's something wrong with protesting. Why belittle yourself?

OK bye!

2011-02-27T12:13:00.001-08:00

BURN EVERYTHING YOU RESENT BEFORE WINTER ENDS

2011-02-26T15:45:00.000-08:00

TOMORROW

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HERE AND THERE AND HERE

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2011-02-25T09:43:00.000-08:00

Black swans, they're real and I touched one.

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The first "serious" video I ever made was in first year at OCAD, for Martha Ladly's class. Remember Martha and the Muffins?!?! Well, Martha was my teacher. I think Tomas Del Balso was in that class too. Anyway, I was twenty one and the video was about Dexedrine and not sleeping for days and being paranoid. It was autobiographical. The entire thing was set to "Escape From Noise" by Negativland and shot on VHS (the only camera I knew how to use then) . At the time I stayed at this insanely fancy apartment building at Harbourfront with M. and A. (of course) so I ended up filming their very wealthy neighbours through the windows at night: having dinner, watching TV, grooming their poodles, using the elliptical trainer. And all the while Mark Hosler's screaming in the background about Christianity, the Playboy Channel and car bombs. I wish I still had it, to watch and laugh and maybe show you guys.

Instead I uploaded the entire record to my ftp for you. Go listen to it right now, do it >>> (LINK)<<< !!! BYE!

"Sonic Oulaws":

2011-02-23T10:23:00.001-08:00

My studio is looking totally different these days and I already miss my new roommate! Where is she? Guatemala? Barbados?! I leave for five days and now everything in life is upside down.

Came home to AMAZING presents from Susan, so nice. This was a seagull.

And this little guy. Do you recognize what kind of bird it is?

Perfection. How do I preserve it without cutting into it? Nader?!

Someone was really hungry - most of the head is missing.

Yesterday I found my IDF exemption certificate. I'm a draft dodger (I lied to get Profile 21) and proud of it.

This is how I got it: I called a meeting with the Kaban (military psychiatrist) and told him I had violent thoughts. I described the thoughts to him. He wrote a letter for me on the spot. I would have said anything to get out but really, it didn't take much. If you really want it, you too can avoid the army. Wink.

Someone's working on a costume for Sunday.

That piece in the middle still has fur on it. It's a paw.

I think bones are the most beautiful things. Funny because I can't stand seeing (or hearing about) blood.

This is my favourite piece.

White horse hair! If you come to our show on Sunday (link) you will see what it's for.

Hanging out on couches with David and Vanessa, sunny day, coffee, what else do I need?

Our kitchen is so bright and airy now with perfect light, even the orchid started blooming again!

Lips are stained with blueberries, not wine.

I've been working like a machine but today I only worked half a day. OK that is a lie because I'm working more after dinner. WhatEVER it's good for me.

Watch these videos David made, they're really awesome! BYE!

2011-02-19T16:48:00.000-08:00

DO YOURSELF A FAVOUR AND WATCH THIS RIGHT NOW! DUNDAS SQUARE SATURDAYZZ

Rogers Robin Hood

MC CUP rap video! Rapping Starbucks cup in the middle of Yonge and Dundas crosswalk!!! The funniest part was when I heard two teenage girls criticizing "Oh I think they're making fun of all the big corporations". The other girl nodded knowingly.

This is what happens when everyone invades the crosswalk all at once! Messy! David lost his voice from yelling ads!

2011-02-18T13:33:00.000-08:00

Waiting waiting waiting waiting! Where am I?

Bounty.

I just read this essay (link) titled "Unconcerned But Not Indifferent" that Kim showed me today. It's about the World Press Photo exhibit I saw a few years ago in Montreal, please read it if you have a few minutes.

“The tremendous development of photojournalism has contributed practically nothing to the revelation of the truth about conditions in this world. On the contrary photography, in the hands of the bourgeoisie, has become a terrible weapon against the truth. The vast amount of pictured material that is being disgorged daily by the press and that seems to have the character of truth serves in reality only to obscure the facts. The camera is just as capable of lying as the typewriter” - Bertolt Brecht,1931

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The other day Susan Coolen told me a great story about these people (scientists? natural history museum people? curious bone collectors?) who buried a dead beached whale so that they can harvest the bones later on. They came back twenty five years later and the whale was still decomposing. There was still fat on the bones. I'm so impressed.

The change in the weather brought some serious changes to my mood (good changes). Two weeks ago I could listen to a sad song and cry or see an older woman at a coffeeshop eating a donut and cry or watch a youtube video of kittens yawning in a cute basket and cry and now instead I just smile and wave! At the woman not at youtube. I'm not meant to live in a cold country. Does that mean that I need to break up with Canada? Oh no.

Oh yes come to Dundas square tomorrow at 4pm and see something special! Bye!

to all the astrology lovers I will scan and post your requests this weekend! I lost interest in the Zodiac for a brief moment..

2011-02-16T06:10:00.000-08:00

Timber Timbre released a new song on Monday, you should go listen to it here (link). It's called Black Water. It's special to me because it's (among other things) about living on the island in the summer and the birch trees I'm looking at right now and burning my viking ship (pictured above) and diving off the pier at night and just generally feeling good about life.

2011-02-15T14:29:00.000-08:00

I'm screening this film (link) tomorrow at Double Double Land with Laura McCoy. You should go. 9pm, free. DDL is located at 209 Augusta, down the alley, first door on your right.

"Lizzie Borden's radical Feminist feature took 2 years to make and was shot on 16mm with no budget. The setting is the future: New York City, 10 years after the Social Democratic War of Liberation. With sexual oppression the norm, women in this post-revolutionary world still face the same old problems of how to create a social structure that is responsive to their needs and goals. Beautifully made, courageously edited, and swift-moving, this challenging, provocative film is a work that is both humanist and revolutionary. "

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Knowing someone closely for six years really pays off when you need to figure stuff out about yourself. Hah ha, how selfish, yes I mean MYself. Sometimes I wish we could record our conversations because I want to refer to them later on. Trust is important because it makes it easier to ask questions like "What are you afraid of the most?" or "How can you know for sure if something's really worth it?". I can also say stuff like "I suck at life" and "I'm terrified of being mediocre" and it's okay because I'll probably just get a hug and hard to digest yet sound advice. And then suddenly everything's alright again! Today we walked to the edge of the island where the nude beach ends and the airport begins. We went because I was hoping to find some animal carcasses to bring home but all we saw were icebergs and driftwood and airplanes taking off. I probably wasn't looking hard enough because two hours later Susan came in with a giant fish carcass in her arms. Susan Coolen lives here now (link). Talk about kindred spirits.

Yesterday the winds were high and the ferry slammed into the dock so hard that it had to be taken out of service completely. Our guests were stuck here! Taking the ferry in the winter already feels like an adventure, wind or no wind, because it thrashes violently against the ice while passing through the little broken path. I spent Valentine's day with some of my favourite people, champagne, farm animals, lesbian pizza bakers, endless food and wine, Teenage Head and Leonard Cohen on the record player. It feels crazy here sometimes, like we're an enormous family or a cult. Insular. No I'm not going to be mediocre. No way.

The days are getting longer!!!! It will be 10C this week. Spring makes me even bouncier than usual. I just want to ride my bike without having to wear two pairs of gloves!!!! Now I'm listening to a tape, drawing, feeling happy in a nice quiet way. Bye!

2011-02-13T13:28:00.001-08:00

DUNDAS SQUARE SATURDAYZ

Rogers Robin Hood w/megaphone

It goes like this: "My internet bill's too big I can't afford that!!!!!!"

Big Rogers Bill: "ARRRRRGHHHH!"

Rogers Robin Hood: "I'll take care of that for you!"

Person: "Yaaaay Rogers Robin Hood you give me cheap internet!"

The flyer

Buy $1 pizza from the Fuck You All charity

"Soy Milk's a scam!!!"

"Soy Milk's a scam!!!! 2"

I guess it makes men "sensitive".

Big Loud Man Iyellyourads.com !!

Selling condos in the evilest building to date - 100 stories high. I thought they had bird poop on their faces but no it's some Lord of the Rings make-up ?!?

"Please scan our shirts with you iphone to read about the benefits of Colonoscopy!"

Superman + Lois Lane stopping traffic to make a phone call

SM+ LL stopping traffic to eat a Subway sandwich

"Fuck all y'all" (- 2pac, Bill Callahan)

"I love cock"

A rapping Starbucks cup (MC CUP) music video in the middle of the street!

The little white cloud is foam. Cute!

Selling furniture? Feng Shui? ?? On the street.

Uh oh.

Uh oh !!

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AMY LAM AND JON MCCURLEY http://www.amylamwebsite.com/action.html

In conclusion: my friends are the best. See you later.

2011-02-12T07:47:00.000-08:00

I am obsessed with this video. I watched it eighty times now. I find it very romantic. Make sure the volume's up if you watch it.

Some of my stuff is in OLD quarterly

They are beautiful hand made books, only 50 made but maybe you can still get a copy here (link) ?

PLEASE COPY US FOREVER by Life of a Craphead

part of the Rhubarb Festival

Yonge and Dundas square is the place (unresearched) for people to promote themselves in public in Toronto. New to that intersection is a 'scramble crossing' where all cars stop and pedestrians can cross all ways for 30 seconds. Please Copy us Forever is a performance where 30+ scripted characters sell crap and advertise their skills to the crowd in the middle of the scramble during crazy 30 second bursts. We want other people to copy us and create a hilarious role playing culture of pretending to sell things on the street.

Performances on

Saturday Feb 19, 4-5pm

Saturday Feb 26, 4-5pm

at Yonge and Dundas intersection, Toronto

With Gwen Bienara, Felix Kalmenson, Mark Connery, Adriana Disman, Adam Cowan, Charlie Murray, Xan Hawes, Simon Schlesinger, Mark Rainey, Chandler Levack, Claudia Wittman, Matt Smith, Glenn Macauley, Daniel Vila, Zoe Gordini, Filip Anton, Jeremy Tracz, Zeesy Powers, Vanessa Rieger, Jamie Shannon, Jesjit Gill, Sari Lightman, Romy Lightman, Matt King, Seth Scriver, Christian Scriver, Nazarah Scriver, Patricia Scriver, Tower of Randy, Alex Mackenzie, Steph Davidson, Yuula Benivolski, & MC CUP.

2011-02-11T06:25:00.001-08:00

The strange hatch we dive off in the summer. Now it's covered in ice and looks even more mysterious. We've never figured out what it is really but it's been here forever. Maybe it's like the hatch in LOST, let's pry it open!

The past few days have been sunny. I am so anxious for spring I've been waking up at 7am every day.

Everyone should watch this. Kids are awesome, I can't wait to have a kid like that. Watch how at 07:10 he goes from dissing the police to talking about farts in less than half a second. I like how he says that if he was ever gonna go to a riot he'd bring his dog Snuffy to protect him.

2011-02-10T09:13:00.000-08:00

My friend Helena wrote this years ago, when she was twenty two and about to marry a man she had only known for a very short time but was insanely in love with. Last year someone transcribed it and made it into a JPG and now it’s all over the internet credited to “Anonymous” or sometimes people even say that they wrote it themselves, which I think is awful and infuriating. Anyway, when she found it circulating the interwebbbs she said she was embarrassed because “...of everything I’ve made why did it have to be this melodramatic thing, made before I really knew anything at all? IT IS SO MELODRAMATIC.”

Okay, but really, I think she was only embarrassed because we feel like we're supposed to conform to this weird sterile idea of love, like adult love is this polite negotiation of respectful mutual feelings, a contract, a set of rules, etc... and if you mess it up with drama and pain and hopeless desire it becomes somehow less valuable or "perfect". But what she wrote up there, isn’t it what everyone secretly wishes? Don’t you want someone you love to let themselves be vulnerable and call you at four in the morning? Then why don’t you do it? You don’t even have to board an airplane. Sometimes running after someone down the street instead of shrugging your passive shoulders could make a difference in another person’s life and probably in yours too. I get the sense that the older we get the more scared and lazy we become as lovers. That is so depressing. Why is fighting for someone perceived as so inappropriate or desperate? Lazy love is boring love. I don’t care if this sounds juvenile. It’s really how I feel.

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BTW if you transcribe someone's writing like that try hitting the Spell Check button next time, it only takes a second.

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Yesterday Leah and I photographed icebergs, it was incredible. Pictures soon.

Here are a couple of songs for this beautiful sunny day!

Bye.

2011-02-08T12:21:00.000-08:00

I thought about this card while shuffling and then I go it?!! It happened to me twice now. Card: Ace of Wands: going beyond your limits, facing your fears, believing in yourself, expressing yourself, the power to move on from a difficult situation.

Spiderman?

Family timezzz. How will we ever live without each other in the future?!

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Today I'm going to run 6km, spend half the day filming/photographing with Leah and the other half editing with Geoff. Then in the next few days Geoff and I work like maniacs all day and night. Goodbye!

COSMIC REQUESTSSS:

SCORPIO MAN + PISCES WOMAN PAGE 1, PAGE 2

PISCES MAN + PISCES WOMAN PAGE 1, PAGE 2

LIBRA WOMAN + SAGITTARIUS MAN PAGE 1, PAGE 2

PISCES MAN + ARIES WOMAN PAGE 1, PAGE 2

LEO MAN + GEMINI WOMAN PAGE 1, PAGE 2

TAURUS WOMAN + LIBRA MAN PAGE 1, PAGE 2

PS Please watch this super creepy video of a malaria parasite invading a human blood cell. It's like sci-fi. Watch at least until 00:35

2011-02-07T07:42:00.001-08:00

OK dear astrology lovers, here you go:

CANCER MAN + SAGITTARIUS WOMAN PAGE 1, PAGE 2

LEO MAN + SAGITTARIUS WOMAN PAGE 1, PAGE 2

LIBRA WOMAN + TAURUS WOMAN PAGE 1

TAURUS MAN + PISCES WOMAN PAGE 1, PAGE 2

GEMINI MAN + SCORPIO WOMAN PAGE 1, PAGE 2

CANCER MAN + SCORPIO WOMAN PAGE 1, PAGE 2

TAURUS MAN + SCORPIO WOMAN PAGE 1, PAGE 2

LIBRA WOMAN + SCORPIO WOMAN PAGE 1

ARIES WOMAN + LIBRA WOMAN PAGE 1

SCORPIO MAN + AQUARIUS WOMAN PAGE 1, PAGE 2

More soon, now I have to go take care of SCARY LIFE STUFF

bye!

2011-02-06T12:21:00.000-08:00

Davida's show opened at TPW this Saturday, go see it! It's up until March 5th. My favourite part of the show was this video titled Jacuzzi Time which is what everyone's lining up to see up there ^^ There's a good essay about it over here (link)

Sonny Castle appreciates art too even though he's just a little guy.

Precious blur face! This is the moment before he dumped the contents of his cup into the ice/beer bucket.

I had breakfast at Amy and Seth's this morning and look at all those bottles Seth dug out of the ground?!

By that I mean literally excavated. I'm so jealous. Some of those are over 150 years old.

This one contained Soothing Syrup for kids. Which means opiates in a bottle to get children to fall asleep quickly. Yikes.

This baby bottle has three pentagrams engraved in the middle

He also found a bunch of giant handmade nails. It doesn't look so big in his hand but

Look at it in my hand it's the size of a mushroom?!?

He also showed me a bunch of marbles that he found that are one hundred years old and made of actual marble. Oh man. I want to go dig up some stuff so badly.

And this?! The yellow stuff is WORM MEDICINE for PEOPLE and it's trapped in the bottle.

Anyway I'm back home now and in my studio. Let's pull today's card! Do you like how the worm medicine, my hat and the shelf behind me are the same colour?

THE MAGICIAN. It's about taking action, doing what needs to be done, understanding your intentions, focusing on one goal, applying the force of your will (link) = good card.

I've received lots and lots of requests from my shitty astrology book so I'm going to scan them and post them tomorrow. Now tea and drawing to relaxxxxx.

Good byeeee

2011-02-05T14:39:00.000-08:00

I got this book of poems by Erica Jong. I'm not really into her so much... I think to enjoy poetry I need it to be a little bit pathetic and humorous, not so heavy and monumental. But anyway I got the book because there was this one poem that I liked. Is it worth buying the entire book for that reason? The poem I liked is not the one in the picture. I'll post it later.

Luis Jacob, They Sleep With One Eye Open, 2008.

Luis' paintings at MOCCA totally made my night last night. You should go see them. (link)

But I don't think I'd want to be alone with this in a room, sorry.

My favourite thing in the show was this sculpture by Murray Favro titled Sunlight on Table and Floor. It's basically this little wooden scene of a table by the window with sunlight shining in, except the light is fake. It's painted on.

Here, see? I love it. There's a good write up on it at the MOCCA website (link)

I hate being at an opening like that with five hundred people. For many reasons. I guess that's why the bar is there.

Zeesy's birthday last night was the best. We had delicious red wine and fancy whiskey and gave each other supers and listened to high-school music. Anyway some of us don't remember going to bed.

Bye!

2011-02-04T08:03:00.000-08:00

Matt's mom Shirley texted me to ask if I got over my "winter blahs"! Haha, I think it's the best that even parents don't disqualify winter as a source of depression. I have SAD for sure. Except mine manifests itself in manic episodes. Where's the sun?! How do you deal with your SAD? Screw winter. This happened exactly at the same time last year. Except then I self medicated with whiskey and sleeping pills and lost 12 lbs in two weeks. People gain weight during the winter but I lose it.

How I've been nourishing myself lately. Just put everything in a blender and drink up! This one has strawberries, blueberries, blackberries, raspberries, spinach, rapini, kiwi, apple, banana, yogurt, flax seed, flax oil. Twice daily. Who needs to eat! The little guy on the left is just hanging by the window for some sunlight.

My higher self is blind. Just kidding! I've been drawing late at night, drawing with friends, while drinking tea. Hey why did I ever stop drinking wine? On the right is my daily card: two of pentacles. Means: fun, keeping everything in balance, juggling, changing directions easily. Good card.

Lisa and I decided that we can't be mad with tricksters because they often can't even tell the difference between tricks and reality themselves.

10am house meeting. Everyone's listening to Talia speak. Everyone except David who's obviously super happy about his enormous breakfast sandwich (hiding behind plant).

I'm reading The Blue Octavo Notebooks (link) now and it feels so right. "Reading". Hundreds of beautiful short fragments is all I can focus on right now.

I also got this book for like $9 and it's very entertaining. We read it last night. If you want me to scan some pages for you then ask! Just give me instructions, like, ARIES FEMALE+LEO MALE or LIBRA FEMALE+TAURUS FEMALE or whatever. It's pretty explicit.

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Remember the ending of Last Tango in Paris? Having had an anonymous sexual affair in a rented apartment Marlon Brando and Maria Schneider finally decide to try and have a real relationship and it all goes to hell. She tells him that she isn't interested, he chases her home and she shoots him and lies to the police that he's just some stranger who tried to rape her. The part where they're sitting at the bar and you see the sinking feeling in her eyes because she's suddenly disillusioned about him while he nervously tells her everything about himself is so depressing. The futility of it. I remember watching it alone one day when I lived with Miles and feeling shocked and scared because feelings are so shifty and complex. Shiftiness terrifies me. I won't even mention the butter scene uuughhh.

Maria Schneider died yesterday.

Today I deleted all emails and texts, incoming and outgoing. I read my favourites just to remember a bit and then clicked DELETE. It feels very good.

I'm going to photograph and skate now see you latersss bye

Here are a couple of long songs for you all.

2011-02-01T16:27:00.001-08:00

Watch this video

Where I live. The breakwater is completely frozen on the north side. It looks like melted candles or Freddy Krueger's face only completely white and translucent.

Sometimes when waves slam against the rocks they push air through holes between them and it sounds like the exhale of a large walrus or a volcano.

Winter island is magic in a lonely way but I'm glad I got to experience it.

At home

David has nice things, today I inspected them through the crack in the wall.

I dread the Moon card so I quickly drew it to get comfortable with it. This one has a brown haired dog and a grey haired dog - a coyote. They were both in my dream once. Coyotes are tricksters. Lisa is afraid of them but I don't find them so bad. On the left is Miles' shirt that I can't wear.

Birthday present on the right

From Luisa.

Future me.

Things always move around here.

Being harassed by an anonymous jerk is weird and creepy do you really want to be a weird creep? F you.

To the rest of you, (you don't have to watch it but) please listen to this again. Goodbye.

2011-01-31T16:15:00.001-08:00

Alone: Life Wastes Andy Hardy (1998, Austria, 15m, b/w)

Watch this film by Martin Arnold. If you can't watch the entire fifteen minutes please start watching at 12:00.

"The cinema of Hollywood is a cinema of exclusion, reduction and denial, a cinema of repression. There is always something behind that which is being represented, which was not represented. And it is exactly that that is most interesting to consider."

Martin Arnold.

2011-01-31T15:14:00.001-08:00

Robert Wiens, Untitled (Hands) (1992). Now at Susan Hobbs (link)

Geoffrey Pugen, Sahara Sahara, 2 channel HD video, 2009. Opens Feb 04 at MOCCA (link)

Davida Nemeroff, California, 2011. Opens Feb 05 at TPW (link)

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Bobby Jean is secretly my favourite Springsteen song even though I always say it's Tougher Than The Rest. It’s my fave because the last three lines of that song are heartbreaking and honest in a way that is very familiar and I appreciate that. It’s perfect.

The other night at the bar Romy and I bitched about how people in Toronto are afraid to be sexy. You’re either a completely asexual being frequenting sparsely attended shows at Tranzac’s front room or an over the top slut 80% undressed grinding against a stranger at some dance party. There is no happy medium and even when you’re a slut you “perform” a slut rather than be one. What’s a slut anyway? Someone who’s comfortable with their body? I like having a body and I’m quite comfortable with it most of the time, even proud of it! Our bodies are awesome and beautiful why be so ashamed?

Here are my current bedtime books

This one's for entertainment (link)

This one's for pleasure (link)

This one's gonna take a while (link)

Goodbye

2011-01-29T06:37:00.001-08:00

Last night David and I both admitted that we've been feeling melancholy for days despite our chipper faces. Then he showed me a video that describes exactly how I feel. This video is my new favourite thing. Please watch, it's beautiful and is only two minutes long.

I spent all morning today scanning negatives like a machine whilst listening to the Virgin Suicides soundtrack. Lame! Right? No.

I don't feel these feelings often so excuse me while I revel in them. Highschool Lover and Todd Rundgren? Yes please.

Anyway hi. This was Montreal and Zeesy and I offered torture for money at la Centrale. We barely broke even. Not everyone is a masochist.

We even had an ear chart marked with the desirable spots for our Aggressive Reflexology treatment (mother issues and guilt were the most popular).

Jim kept coming back for more. I must have tasered him four or five times.

By the way if you don't know what I'm talking about please refer to this link.

Oh hey. Sometimes if I hang out in the kitchen I turn around and Nader's already there, he's been sitting there for half an hour in fact, on someone's computer! Sneaky.

Summer with pals=what I miss the most. Summer is my natural habitat.

BTW I fell off this dock in the dark once, with my drink still in my hand. It was late at night and I was trying to show a constellation to Victoria and walked into a black hole. It was May and quite cold.

OK this may not be too bad. I learned skating again on the island lagoons.

Uh oh.

Jerkface! Taylor is playing a solo show tonight for the first time in a couple of years (?) at the Music Gallery for C is for Cure fundraiser. See you there!

The fundraiser is for our dear friend Neil who was diagnosed with leukemia a month ago. He is home now and recovering. Did you know that unless you're hospitalized, OHIP does not cover your cancer treatment medication anymore? I didn't, until now. That is why poor people who can't afford to pay $95 a pill may not stay alive unless they get help.

WHY AREN'T YOU BUYING OUR TORTURES? IS IT BECAUSE THE EARRINGS AT THE TABLE NEXT TO OURS LOOK MORE APPEALING?

Every time I feel sad today I think of what's happening in Egypt and my future and everyone's hard work and it makes me feel much much better. I am working on two shows, a video, a performance and a book. Spring is just around the corner and Mubarak can go to hell. Everything will be alright!

I hope to see you at Dundas Square today. Goodbye.

2011-01-27T09:10:00.000-08:00

I am a never-ending source of photographs.

BOOM! GOTHFACE! I know I should probably be embarrassed but fuck you I'm not. 16 yrs old 1997

Look at Xenia hiding inside her rain jacket! My bowl-cut, my dad's proud stance, my brother's little face and the mushrooms the three of us are holding in our hands to show off. This is the Hanita forest, the one several hundred feet across from what is now called the "Blue Line "(border with Lebanon), 1990.

This is my favourite one. I think I'm "pretending" to be a "nerd". 1995.

My sister and I look super awkward while my brother's too busy entertaining our neighbour to even know he's being photographed. This is the beach we've been coming to for like 10 years at least once a week since we were children. It's called Achziv or al-Zib (Arabic) . Al-Zib was a Palestinian Arab village of about 2000 people pre-1948. Around that time it was attacked, depopulated and completely destroyed by the Haganah and now it's a paid tourist site/park. Some history for you.

Achziv/ al-Zib. The yellow ruins are architecture that remained standing after 1948. When we were kids we were told that those were Roman ruins. But then we moved to Canada and I did a little research on the internet/at the library and found out all kinds of stuff, you should try it too, look into stuff that isn't in your school textbooks.

This is where we used to swim. Cleanest water ever!

This is our street. Every once in a while boys would release donkeys to roam the roads and sometimes they would ride them around. The white structure with the blue door is a bomb shelter. Every house was required to have one and every block would have at least two. Public bomb shelters were usually adorned with colourful murals to make war a bit more friendly for kids. This one used to have a mural of flowers and sunshine but they painted it over. As a kid I used to play on top of bomb shelters with my friends all the time.

Sometimes we'd be watching TV and this message would come on! Wait let me translate.

"Residents of Nahariya, Shelomi, Maalot (and a few other names): due to a warning of an incoming missile attack you are asked to enter the bomb shelters and remain inside until further notice. The bomb shelters are currently being opened." We lived by the Lebanese border and this message came on a couple of times a week until 1996. FYI, unless you're a new mother or a super paranoid old person you probably didn't care about the message. No one ever went down to the shelter and most of the missiles fell onto fields and roads.

My painting studio in the kibbutz. The wall in the very distance was almost all mine. I was seventeen and took myself very seriously of course. So I painted mural sized abstract depictions of my teenage angst using construction paper and industrial oil paint. My sister and I went to art schools as children/teenagers which was both amazing (took care of our fragile personalities!!!!) and bad (drugs, alcohol, sex, heartbreak, etc..).

Jordan

An impromptu road trip with some pals and my bf at the time (pictured). This was 1999 and my bf was in the air force and I fucking hated it.

In highchool they'd take us on trips to the desert every year. The desert is a pretty terrifying place at night.

On the right is my favourite Literature teacher, Yair. He used to pick us up hitchhiking when I was 17 and give us some of his smokes. He smoked Camels and had a shitty little car but we thought he was pretty cool. The gun leaning against the rock beside him is real. All the teachers escorting us in the desert carried guns. The guy on the left was the school's male slut (sorry Sagi! But it's true.) Pretty much everyone I know dated him but he was kind of subtle about it so you could never tell.

Rosh ha-Nikra. My brother and sister jumped off those cliffs just around the bend, because they're mental. 30 foot drop into the Mediterranean. Sharp rocks at the bottom.

Best friend at his dad's farm. Eran and I were best friends but then I fell in love with him. I don't think many people knew this at the time or even now? We were finishing high school and he was about to leave for three months and I was totally heartbroken. Have you even been in love with a friend? It's the worst!

Aw pal! I think he is the tallest man I know! I didn't tell him how much I was in love with him until I quietly got over it. We did become better friends. I ended up dating his best friend for three or four years.

I HAVE MANY MORE but also, I have a meeting.

Bye TO BE CONTD

2011-01-25T14:11:00.000-08:00

OLD FAVOURITES AND A QUESTION ABOUT SELF CENSORSHIP

Trine Sondergaard "How to Hunt"

Paulette Phillips "The Floating House", video installation

Butoh

Well you know!

Karen Knorr "The Corridor"

Douglas Gordon "Play Dead", video installation

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Today at breakfast I asked my mom how to handle weird or extreme topics on my blog. For example: I know that some of my friends' parents read it. As well as old employers and professors, maybe new potential employers? I censor myself all the time. My mom said "just write whatever you want, if they know you they'll find out soon enough anyway." Is that the right approach? Or am I somehow putting myself in danger here? If you know the answer please share.

2011-01-24T09:28:00.001-08:00

OK I know we've probably all seen this already but I am totally obsessed with Wendy Vainity's videos. If you haven't seen it, please make sure to turn up the volume.

2011-01-23T14:04:00.000-08:00

I hate updating in a rush buuuuuuuut

I had the funnest day! I spent it making a mosaic!!! For this building.

This is the plan! The building is Ward's Island Association.

Look at the beautiful pebbles. Now Lisa and I know how to build a mosaic. Would you like us to build you one?

Today we were making these squares. It looks simple but one square like that takes 6 hours!

It's tedious work and you have to be very meticulous but if you love tetris like I do for example you'd probably enjoy it! (I hate puzzles though, no wiggle room)

I'm contemplating the rocks seriously!! No I'm just confused. BTW - all the rocks we used came from the island beaches. One woman who swims pretty much all year round collects them on her way home.

Sorry I'm too focused to pay attention to anything.

There were about 10 island women working on it today! We listened to CCR and Tom Petty and I drank like 6 coffees and asked everyone a million annoying questions

Lisa and I are thinking of a secret Gibraltar symbol to mosaic into our garden this summer. I know what she's thinking of, I've seen her paintings. I counted 14 vaginas hidden in one! For real.

I will post a picture when it's all done but now I have to go to the city for the first time in a week because I HAVE A DATE (with destiny) OK I really have had too much coffee

here's a song for you

byeeeeeeeee